I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Ignorance Vs. “Evil”


What if, Sarah, from now on and forevermore, people stopped using the word “evil” and replaced it with “ignorance”?

Yeah, less fear, more better; global transformation.

The Universe
(I get these every weekday from, it rocks and it’s free…you should try it!)

I loved this message! When you get right down to it, what many of us see as “evil” is actually ignorance. Sure it could be ignorance due to privilege or a number of things, really. When you think of all of the “Health Experts” and marketing bullshit, is it any wonder? Ignorance prevails in this society and perpetuated and even preyed upon, if not outright created for profit! It takes a smart and brave soul to actually question all that’s been told/taught/presented to them from childhood. I know it took me awhile before I began to question authority figures (though not always aloud, ha-ha!) and even longer to distrust mainstream media in general.

It’s funny (not in a ha-ha sort of way, either) that today many things deemed “evil” are simply branches of old prejudices or superstitions. I mean, that and good old fashioned misogyny! Ah yes, of all of the ways to control women, those marketing geniuses came up with dieting and hair removal for the “fairer sex.” *ShakesHead* Ugh! By pushing back and fighting for equality we were then deemed too masculine or called extremists! Psshhht! Funny how those words still get tossed around, though not always at the same groups as back then.

I’m saying that though the haters will continue to hate, perhaps how we approach and deal with it could be different. By realizing that it’s not blind hate, but misinformation all together, that is the real “evil!” This is why I don’t care how many times some motherfucker wants to call me a know-it-all, I will educate people and set them straight if the situation calls for it. Not rudely, but the truth needs to get out! I cannot stand idly by while someone starts on their “informing” of the masses about some lie-filled bullshit! And we wonder where “concern trolls” are born?!

People feel righteous, we all do, in their beliefs. But if we never speak up, if we never compare notes, we all just go around ramming into each other…and not in the fun way! We help no one by remaining silently angry or hurt. When we share ourselves, our stories, our voices and experiences, we heal and we help others to heal and we educate! Just think back to when you first considered or heard of fat acceptance/pride/liberation! What did these new/radical concepts made you think or feel? Did you resist or question it at first? Are you still learning to accept yourself?

I do believe that life is a journey. The destination is all the same for us, but it’s the stops on that journey that make up our lives. It’s the people and the connections and the joy and the simplest of pleasures. It’s following what’s in your heart and not stamping upon others. It’s doing right by others by doing right by yourself! It’s not settling and it’s honoring your most authentic self! It’s not taking shit or letting anyone hold you back or down! It’s finding your passion and following your dreams! It’s not about wealth or objects or status, ever! It’s love and that is all!





You And Me And NYE!


How are you? No really, how are you feeling right now? I’m feeling pretty damned good, I must say. This past week has given me time to reflect and appreciate what I have and those I love. I haven’t done much, physically, but only because my left knee has been completely fucked…certainly not because I was lacking in spirit. These last few days hanging out with my husband and our puggyman and our tabby-cat and our BFFs and just all of it. The wine and food and laughs and games and fun and silliness! You know what? That is the spice of life, silliness! To be so at ease with yourself and whomever you are in proximity to just let go and be silly? That is the raddest thing of all!

Tomorrow night my friend Jeanette and I are hitting up a local BBW club for their NYE party. I’m so excited! I’m so nervous! That is so weird, I don’t really get nervous anymore. But it feels a bit like prom or something. I’ve never gone out on NYE. Well, okay, to friends’ houses or whatever, but never dressed up and never to a big fab party! We both bought dresses for it and are talking about up-dos and sparkly shoes and it’s so fun! I feel girly! I don’t often get to engage this side of me so it feels strange and adventurous! I will no doubt have many pictures to share, but more importantly, the experience itself. I know so many aren’t able or aren’t confident enough to do things like this. But this is why I do it!

I do it to show that you can even be a death fatty like me and have a great NYE or dress up and go out dancing or anything your heart desires! I do it to normalize fatness. I do it to feel fucking awesome! I do it to push back against the haters that would have us all hidden away or worse! When I try a new style of fashion that I’ve never seen on a fat person, I am pushing boundaries for myself and others. I love that! When I am unafraid and unapologetic about myself and my size? I am throwing a big middle finger to anyone who thinks that I should just shut up and conform!

That is punk rock, baby! And PUNK WILL NEVER DIET!!!

I hope that you have a safe and fun NYE no matter what you do. I hope that you will refuse to engage in the self-hating ritual of resolutions and consider ReVolutions instead! Check out some resources at that link or :

I do think that even small acts can create a ripple effect and together we can make a big fatty wave of positive goodness! I hope 2012 treats us all much better than 2011 did. I for one am glad it’s over and done with. I am hopeful for the coming year and it’s endless possibilities and opportunities. Here’s to you and yours! Aand Cheers to all on Earth!

Resistence is Futile


Bit of a ranty post, folks. You know how I roll.

Have you had this happen?
You’re talking to some person about yourself and you refer to yourself as fat, feeling all full of activism and pride, when the person stops you with a look of horror and exclaims, “You are NOT fat!!!” Ugh! It’s almost as though admitting you are fat there in makes them fat…or something. It’s bullshit. It’s their hang up, not yours. And here’s the thing, you have every right to identify as anything you want to. Period. No one can take that from you.

This time of year makes these situations all the more difficult with the endless presence of food. But we are strong…no one can tell us we’re wroooooong! Sorry, my inner Pat Benatar does tend to come out occasionally. I personally believe that it is vital to assert your preferred identity as something wholly your own and in no way a reflection of others. When people try to take this from you it is rude, disrespectful, but also very fucking belittling. As though you couldn’t possibly know or understand how you yourself think/feel, etc. Ugh!

When faced with this situation, I quickly and calmly attempt to educate them on their misstep. Not in any way rude or overly aggressive, but again calmly and as simply as possible. Most people receive my little schpeel of info easily and even tend to ask questions…but then you get these insistors! They insist XYZ is bad/unhealthy/the Devil! Yes, I still attempt to explain to them that food has no moral value. If they get even more insistent, I smile and deliberately walk away, if I can. If I cannot and I don’t know the person I will attempt a polite, “well this is going nowhere” with a giant cheesy grin. Why? Because fuck them, that’s why!

Why do we let people walk all over us and then apologize to them on top of it? WHY? There’s no reason! Apologize for nothing you had zero control over! I am sick of hearing people say “sorry” for every little fucking thing! Stop it right now! You have no reason to be sorry. It’s some bullshit social construct either foisted upon us or by our own design, in either case I am throwing that off and away for good. No more, “Sorry” when someone bumps into me or rudely steps on my feet. I mean, why the hell should I be sorry? THEY SHOULD!

I am done with people pushing their prejudices and baggage on me. DONE! And I feel so much better about myself and social gatherings. I even went to a party the other night and found myself chatting with all kinds of people I’d never met before and I had a blast. Body stuff didn’t even come up…not once! Shocking!

So yes, when someone is rude to me, I tell them. It’s important to me that someone tell them and since most people are fearful of a social faux pas . Well I had no say in the building of such social constructs, honesty is best so long as you’re not rude about it. Civility is important. Calm and intelligent discussions are vital! These are the things we are lacking in society today. You don’t see much of that in films or television…it’s up to us to create the world we want to live in.

And because I had a shit morning and spilled my perfectly crafted coffee all over my kitchen in an attempt to make myself something for breakfast  besides coffee I will leave you with the above to consider for  yourself. I really need to finish this second coffee before anything else happens. ha-ha!


Step 5: Be Brave

This is the fourth in a series of things that have helped me, I believe in, or people have asked me to share. Basically, things I do or think or whatever that have helped me be a better person, activist and positive fat lady. Check out  Step 1Step 2, Step 3 and Step 4.
Step 5: Be Brave
Now this is more of the be brave by being confident in your own skin sort of thing and not putting yourself in the path of danger. And I firmly believe that going out into the world as a fat person is an act of outright bravery! I was so inspired and moved by Melissa McEwan’s post about things fat people are told this past April that I saved the link and look back on it often. It rang so true for me that I have to go back and read it every now and then to remind myself why it is I write about all things fat. By going out into the world as our most authentic selves and not giving a damn what others may think is truly bucking the stereotype fats have long been burdened with.
Being brave is being you and not giving a fuck about the judgment you may get from others. Bravery is looking people in the eyes as they give you the classic “up-down” or worse. Or better yet, snapping a picture of them as they try to not-so-sneakily take yours. They are trying to take something from you…by confronting them silently, or not silently, you are letting them know that you are a person, that you’re aware of yourself and their bullshit and you’re not going to slink away in shame. In fact, I refuse to slink away in shame from anything ever again. I don’t care if my pants fall down while I’m climbing the stairs, I will not slink! And nor should you.
Bravery is speaking up for yourself and others. You may not always have the right words, but your intentions are pure and your actions speak louder than words. Together we make quite a force to be reckoned with! The fat liberation/acceptance/pride community is a far reaching and tightly woven fabric of rebels who care and people who want to see change in the world. We are that change. By going out into the world like everyone else, we are that change. We live it everyday and with every best friend or auntie or cousin we share our fatty secrets with, we perpetuate that positivity and the journey towards self-acceptance. Because we’re worth it, baby!
By bucking self-hate, we allow ourselves to live without that stress. We are giving ourselves room to breathe and think and feel. To live a life more fully lived! We can be rebels and grannies, we can be admins and rock stars, we can be heroes and heroines! Fauja Singh ran his first marathon recently. He’s 100 years old. When asked what his secret is to a long life, he replied: “The secret to a long and healthy life is to be stress-free. Be grateful for everything you have, stay away from people who are negative, stay smiling and keep running.”
We must support and encourage one another. When things get tough, and seem to keep getting tougher, we need each other that much more. We need to reach out and talk and hug and love and organize and speak out and be heard! We live in a time where the possibility of having our rights ignored or revoked is a reality. When people gather to show the powers that be that they are wrong, they get dealt a hearty helping of violence and abuse. It is not right and it is not fair, but it is the reality of our world right now. The only way we can make a difference and see the change we want in the world is to stick together, welcome others and keep the truth in the forefront of our movement.
I feel most brave when speaking out about the abuses I have endured in my life. I feel most brave when I welcome others to reach out to me if they have no one else they feel comfortable speaking to. I feel most brave when I go to the damned grocery store alone to get food for my husband and I to eat and must bear witness to the looks and remarks from others patrons. I feel most brave when I put pictures of myself on the internet for all to see. I feel most brave when I share so much of myself with so many that I don’t know and can’t possibly know. I feel most brave when I walk the dog at night on my own and every car that passes us by I turn to smile at, hoping to interrupt any thought of hate they might have before they can shout it at me. I feel most brave when I am most truly me.
When do you feel brave? What have you always wanted to do but haven’t had the courage?
“One isn’t necessarily born with courage, but one is born with potential. Without courage, we cannot practice any other virtue with consistency. We can’t be kind, true, merciful, generous, or honest.” ~Maya Angelou

Fattiboombalatti Goes to The Doctor


*Trigger Warning for mention of eating disorders and typical medical shaming things*

Ahhhh.. doctor’s offices…. Aren’t they just the nightmare for the Fat Girl? Like many of you, I avoid them whenever possible. As long as being of an overweight category means I will be shamed, ignored, trivialized and disrespected while seeing a health “professional” about physical matters it will always be an appointment of absolute necessity. As sad as it is to say it.

So I get called in and have a health aide walk me directly over to the scales. Now, I do not weigh myself. I have not in years. I do not want to ever again. Why? The number will never ever ever be the number I want. It will always be higher and trigger very old recurring panic attacks that then begin the very terrifying slide down into a very scary and horrible place, a place that lacks all logic and is pure panic… I do everything I can to avoid Body Dimorphic episodes… weighing myself is the Queen of all triggers.

So as I am being walked to the scales I say to the young lady, “No… no, I do not do that. We can skip this portion of today’s visit.” I’ve got this down to a science, this whole, “refusing parts of treatment” thing. Most people do not realize they can refuse any part of their treatment… most people have been raised to view their health as something they just have to “open and say AHHH” to… and that we are not allowed or should not voice things that make us uncomfortable or awkward….

So, I have gotten pretty good at voicing my own needs but every time I do it I always get such interesting reactions from people. The last time when I said,  “We can skip this.” There was a middle aged woman, perhaps of the same size, maybe a little less, walking towards us in the hall… (of COURSE the scales are in the most public, most well trafficked part of the offices just to add a little more shame to your otherwise stellar day) and she actually backed up a step with a shocked, “what?!?!” that was half laugh, half incredulity…half wonder… so I responded, “I know I’m fat… so what’s the point here?” and she kept staring at me as I rocked it down the hall. Her reaction was a mixture of WTF/yes you need to get weighed, fatty/could I do that too?/she is going to get into trouble/and, I wish I had done that, too. This is very typical in terms of reactions.

A couple of years ago I would tell people, “I am a recovering Bulimic” and even though I had no basis of understanding why, I just knew that if I said that people would back off and become compassionate or they would ask me, “is your Bulimia under control? Do you get triggered often?” It seemed funny to me that being the same person in the same size that I am would get a compassionate, understanding response if I claimed that my issue was in regards to my attempts to become thin… but I get a whole range of responses (none compassionate) I do not play homage to societal norms.

How would people react if my authentic response was, “I do not weigh myself because I am struggling with overcoming body dysmorphic disorder due to years of horrific social abuse because I was and am fat and weighing myself only triggers intense feelings of shame and guilt that I know are reactions to not attempting modify my body to the cultural ideal.”

What say you darlings, should I try this line and see what the outcome will be?

So instead of telling others I’m bulimic I just let it ride as it is. I do NOT have to explain myself or my choices to you. I do not have to place myself in a medically induced state of anxiety nor do I have to deal with practices or a conversation which are not only completely useless in terms of my weight but actually is harmful to my mental health, well-being and physical wellness.

So after my little scale avoidance episode I am left in the office to await da’ Man. While in the office I took note of my surroundings. On the walls of the office were:

A calendar

A “Quit Smoking” flyer by the American Heart Association

3 flyers calling for participants in various studies at the local research hospital

1 poster detailing the symptoms of depression (brought to you by Zoloft… no I’m not kidding)

1 poster giving me a number to see if I qualify for Gastric Bypass Surgery

1 flyer to see an in-house “Nutritionist”


…. Uh…. Well, I….don even…..


The only flyer that actually is concerned with health and wellness is the quit smoking one.  So in case you aren’t ALREADY coming to see the Doc for depression, anxiety, etc etc etc… ZOLOFT wants to make fucking sure that just in case you didn’t actually “know” you were depressed well ZOLOFT has is right there in a 2 by 3 foot poster… and the remedy…hmmm… lemme guess…Zoloft?

And the other one… the OTHER ONE…. Same thing…. Say, let’s not talk about health, REALLY… let’s not talk about lifestyle, holistic health practices or just taking a fucking walk every day no we want you to know that we are there for you… if you want to cut your stomach in half… we are here to “help”.  And if you don’t want that then we have a Nutritionist because you, fatty, you we are sure do not know how to eat… as if eating well is a science… have any of you seen a Nutritionist? You get weighed, you are given a menu then you have to cough up your weekly write-in diet and get shamed for bad choices…. Hmmm what does that remind me of? Oh yes! Every other weight loss plan out there!!!!

Before I am even seen by my doctor I am bombarded by messages… no, not messages… billboard advertising… telling me what my problem is and what thing I can buy to fix it.

First a patient is weighed. Then she is left to sit in a room with a Zoloft and gastric bypass ad. It doesn’t get any more genius than that, does it? The doctor need not say a word… the system is doing all the work.

Any posters about health? Wellness? Meditation? Yoga? Walking? swimming? The benefits of a vegetarian diet? Managing stress? Nope.

I wonder how much Zoloft pays doctor’s offices to allow them to place their posters up in each and every examination room.

So anyway, that is why I avoid seeing my health practitioners as much as possible. A for profit system can never be honest in that it has your health and wellness as a primary concern, nor are the health prescriptives based on health as much as it is the bottom line.  As long as society is pulling its collective hair out running around in circles, “OMGOBESITY!!!! Run!!! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES” and the government supports it and Hollywood supports it then there is good money to be made in making fat a medical issue worthy of reduction at all costs… and even better, at a high cost.

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