NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Countdown to 40!!!

October18

Holy shit! Yes, it’s true, it’s real, and I have been assured, that 40 IS in fact a Thing! Whaaaaaaat?! In 7 days I will turn 40! I had been very excited about this for some time, as not everyone gets the privilege. I’m also facing this, among so many other things, alone. (Note: I did not say lonely!!!) As life is known to do, it grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me, HARD! Last week I was fired, right out of the clear blue sky, for literally doing my job! (Obviously not what they put down on paper, but I didn’t work for dummies.) I’ve never been fired before, and I’m still in shock. Just a few weeks ago I was pulled aside by a VP and told that they upped my equity because, “You’re an important and valuable member of the team!” So, trust no one, basically.

While my head’s still spinning and I’m questioning reality, it has also shown me who is there, who is real, and who will show up for me when needed. Two weeks ago I walked the runway as the most awkward model in Curvy Girl Lingerie’s annual fashion show. And this past weekend I did a little song and dance number for Big Moves Bay Area’s annual “A Taste for Dance” show. The contrast between  those two events is night and day! They were both body positive, of course, but only one was truly fat accepting and inclusive, IMHO. I’ll get into that more soon, as I have the time I should do my absolute best to get back to writing if I can. My block has been unbearable! (Perhaps I’ll talk about that soon as well.)

I have been single since March, but I haven’t really been interested in dating much. Yes, I’ve gone on a few dates, most good, one terrible, and one awesome one.  I’ve had some heavy crushes (the current one is made of magic, I swear!), had some minor hurts and heavy disappointments, but overall I’m good in that department. I’ve been more focused on work and building/maintaining friendships. Ultimately, I would like to meet people to date and get to know and connect with on a deeper level. Dating has changed, even online dating has changed in the four years I was in an LTR. Luckily I have a strong bullshit detector, and don’t waste time on fools. I have become more secure in my own sexuality and identities (Bi-Sapio-Femme), though, and I am glad for that!

I don’t really feel as though I’m at an ending of something, though. It feels more like the start of something…big! I’ve had this feeling for awhile, that I’m on the brink of something awesome, and I guess getting canned made that suddenly become even more clear. Just wish I knew what it is so I could get right on it or at least begin the research! Ha-ha! I trust in the journey and the process. I trust in the people who have become my support system to steer me away from disaster. I really just haven’t a clue what it is I’m meant to do at this particular juncture of life. *Shrugs*

I have wanted to post here for some time, but never could get the words to come out. I want to change that. I want to share with you my thoughts, feels, struggles, and joys. I want to rebuild and repair the relationship I once had with my readers, and hopefully in doing so attract new thoughts, ideas, and people into this sphere. As I have been inspired by fat community countless times, I hope to give as much back as I can. It is what makes me do these intimidating things and continue to challenge my own and others misconceptions about fatness, feminism, bodies, autonomy, fashion, connections, and you know, just, like, every damned thing! Ha-ha!

I know one thing is for certain, I have the love and support of my nearest and dearest friends all over the world. I carry that with me for the tough moments. We just never know what the universe has in store for us at any given point in time. I want to thank those who have seen me when I felt the most unseen, held me when I struggled hardest against my own journey, and gifted me with their truth and their stories when they saw that I wanted to listen. It is through these interactions and connections that I have found strength and light in a world that seems unreal and cruel.

Birthdays are really tough for me, when I hope or trust, I get mostly hurt and trauma. So, I can’t. I know this is the past getting in the way of the future, but it’s a wound that refuses to close on it’s own. I have a tiny, glimmering, pinprick of a hope that this year’s and all the ones going forward will help to heal this wound.

I see friends celebrate their entire birthday month with something each day, but that sounds almost terrifying to me! Ha-ha! Then again, every single thing I had planned this month has been terrifying, and I’m a firm believer in getting out of your comfort zone, but this? Celebrating myself? No, that feels so wrong. So, perhaps I’ll simply share a thought or memory or photo for the rest of this month and hope that you will chime in with your usual wit and wisdom!

#TooBlessedToBeStressed #PugLife #FatAndFree #SingleReadyToMingleWithFeminists #BiPride #Gratitude #BadAssFatAss

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

If you feel so inclined (Ranges from $2 – $150):
My 40th Birthday Wish List: http://a.co/0a2nLYO
Cash & Gift cards also appreciated…I just lost my job! 😛

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 
Or get the same “shared” content on twitter: @NotBlueAtAll
I also have an Instagram, I rarely use it but would like to more…encourage me to?:
https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

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Fatty Affair: So Many Feelings!

January30

It is so difficult to put into words just how I am feeling right now. It’s the Sunday afternoon, after Fatty Affair. If I told you it wasn’t nerve wracking and worse beforehand, well, don’t believe it for a second! But now? Now that it’s all over and done with? I’m in this love overdose afterglow! I feel sort of like a blissed-out version of a hangover. It’s surreal. It’s magical. It’s overwhelming! I am so full of love and positivity! I feel floaty and dreamy and inspired.

So many things fell apart and came together right up until the moment before it began (and even after and during). I felt a bit out of control. I felt guilty for sort of “checking out” of life the last couple of weeks. There were some surprises and disappointments. In the end it all found this incredible harmony and was a total blast! It was a big fat positive party, y’all! My nearest and dearest were there (with one exception, but I love ya P) and I don’t think I’ve ever felt more supported and cared for in my life!

Truth: I was so stressed to the max before we’d even gotten things set up. I was shaking! I was on the verge of a panic attack. This little fact, or the fact that I have had a few of said attacks previously, frightens people and maybe even challenges their idea of me. But I always manage to come through it better off somehow. I know that I need to get better at asking for help when I need it. I did a lot of that. I did some serious delegating, too! This is such an improvement for me already. Some friends really stepped things up and brought not only my stress level down, but made the event the true success that it was.

That I was able to make something I’d only dreamed about become a reality is still boggling my mind, but I know that I could not have done it without the help, love and support of my friends and the fat community itself. It is the thing that energizes me and inspires me and keeps me going. It is for the fat community that I did this. It is my way of giving back the love that has been given to me over the years. The community that gave me my love of style and fashion again. The community that gave me back my confidence! The community that gave me the strength to open my own business and become an activist and writer and so much more! I would not be the gal I am today without it!

A commenter mentioned recently that I sound like I am more alive than ever. I agree completely. I am more alive! I am more keenly aware of the world around me. I am more present and playing a more active role in my own life! It is a powerful thing. I have found that it is only when I stick my neck out, stand up and out, and most importantly get outside of my comfort zone that these amazing things and incredible people come into my life. I urge to to look around and choose for yourself to follow your passions and shove fear aside!

Had I let fear hold me back, Fatty Affair would not have happened. My cafe would never have happened. I would not be wearing dresses again…oh so many pretty dresses! I wouldn’t even think of attempting to write a book! No, fear can go fuck itself in a cold, dark corner! I’m through with fear. I’m through with my inner critic and I am learning to embrace my own vitality and awesomeness! Because “‘To dance or not to dance?” Should never be the question!” and not giving a damn what other people think of me is such a weight lifted from my soul!

I have never been so moved, touched, loved and supported in all of my life. This feeling is beyond words. The people I met and hugged and belly bumped yesterday have changed my life! The work was worth it because of them. The difficult choices I have had to make are all the more clear to me now and why I had to make them.  I feel nearly invincible. I have no fear of an ego growth though, this was not the fruits of the labor of one. No, this was a village effort! This was a tribal celebration! This was what fat liberation/acceptance/pride means to me!

I want you all to know, the many that could not attend the event due to various reasons and circumstances: You were right there with me! You were holding me up and making me smile! I pretty much smiled for five hours straight!!! Ha-ha! It was for you that I strutted my stuff on the “catwalk” and shimmied and danced! It was in your honor that I wore what I wore and said what I said. You give me so much and I want you to know that I am feeling it! I am accepting it! And I am loving it! <3

*You can pretty much count on this entire week being about Fatty Affair! More pictures to come, too, lovelies!

Ignorance Vs. “Evil”

January11

What if, Sarah, from now on and forevermore, people stopped using the word “evil” and replaced it with “ignorance”?

Yeah, less fear, more better; global transformation.

Let’s,
The Universe
(I get these every weekday from www.tut.com, it rocks and it’s free…you should try it!)

I loved this message! When you get right down to it, what many of us see as “evil” is actually ignorance. Sure it could be ignorance due to privilege or a number of things, really. When you think of all of the “Health Experts” and marketing bullshit, is it any wonder? Ignorance prevails in this society and perpetuated and even preyed upon, if not outright created for profit! It takes a smart and brave soul to actually question all that’s been told/taught/presented to them from childhood. I know it took me awhile before I began to question authority figures (though not always aloud, ha-ha!) and even longer to distrust mainstream media in general.

It’s funny (not in a ha-ha sort of way, either) that today many things deemed “evil” are simply branches of old prejudices or superstitions. I mean, that and good old fashioned misogyny! Ah yes, of all of the ways to control women, those marketing geniuses came up with dieting and hair removal for the “fairer sex.” *ShakesHead* Ugh! By pushing back and fighting for equality we were then deemed too masculine or called extremists! Psshhht! Funny how those words still get tossed around, though not always at the same groups as back then.

I’m saying that though the haters will continue to hate, perhaps how we approach and deal with it could be different. By realizing that it’s not blind hate, but misinformation all together, that is the real “evil!” This is why I don’t care how many times some motherfucker wants to call me a know-it-all, I will educate people and set them straight if the situation calls for it. Not rudely, but the truth needs to get out! I cannot stand idly by while someone starts on their “informing” of the masses about some lie-filled bullshit! And we wonder where “concern trolls” are born?!

People feel righteous, we all do, in their beliefs. But if we never speak up, if we never compare notes, we all just go around ramming into each other…and not in the fun way! We help no one by remaining silently angry or hurt. When we share ourselves, our stories, our voices and experiences, we heal and we help others to heal and we educate! Just think back to when you first considered or heard of fat acceptance/pride/liberation! What did these new/radical concepts made you think or feel? Did you resist or question it at first? Are you still learning to accept yourself?

I do believe that life is a journey. The destination is all the same for us, but it’s the stops on that journey that make up our lives. It’s the people and the connections and the joy and the simplest of pleasures. It’s following what’s in your heart and not stamping upon others. It’s doing right by others by doing right by yourself! It’s not settling and it’s honoring your most authentic self! It’s not taking shit or letting anyone hold you back or down! It’s finding your passion and following your dreams! It’s not about wealth or objects or status, ever! It’s love and that is all!

 

 

 

 

You And Me And NYE!

December30

How are you? No really, how are you feeling right now? I’m feeling pretty damned good, I must say. This past week has given me time to reflect and appreciate what I have and those I love. I haven’t done much, physically, but only because my left knee has been completely fucked…certainly not because I was lacking in spirit. These last few days hanging out with my husband and our puggyman and our tabby-cat and our BFFs and just all of it. The wine and food and laughs and games and fun and silliness! You know what? That is the spice of life, silliness! To be so at ease with yourself and whomever you are in proximity to just let go and be silly? That is the raddest thing of all!

Tomorrow night my friend Jeanette and I are hitting up a local BBW club for their NYE party. I’m so excited! I’m so nervous! That is so weird, I don’t really get nervous anymore. But it feels a bit like prom or something. I’ve never gone out on NYE. Well, okay, to friends’ houses or whatever, but never dressed up and never to a big fab party! We both bought dresses for it and are talking about up-dos and sparkly shoes and it’s so fun! I feel girly! I don’t often get to engage this side of me so it feels strange and adventurous! I will no doubt have many pictures to share, but more importantly, the experience itself. I know so many aren’t able or aren’t confident enough to do things like this. But this is why I do it!

I do it to show that you can even be a death fatty like me and have a great NYE or dress up and go out dancing or anything your heart desires! I do it to normalize fatness. I do it to feel fucking awesome! I do it to push back against the haters that would have us all hidden away or worse! When I try a new style of fashion that I’ve never seen on a fat person, I am pushing boundaries for myself and others. I love that! When I am unafraid and unapologetic about myself and my size? I am throwing a big middle finger to anyone who thinks that I should just shut up and conform!

That is punk rock, baby! And PUNK WILL NEVER DIET!!!

I hope that you have a safe and fun NYE no matter what you do. I hope that you will refuse to engage in the self-hating ritual of resolutions and consider ReVolutions instead! Check out some resources at that link or : revolutionsresources.blogspot.com

I do think that even small acts can create a ripple effect and together we can make a big fatty wave of positive goodness! I hope 2012 treats us all much better than 2011 did. I for one am glad it’s over and done with. I am hopeful for the coming year and it’s endless possibilities and opportunities. Here’s to you and yours! Aand Cheers to all on Earth!

revolutionsresources.blogspot.com/

Resistence is Futile

December19

Bit of a ranty post, folks. You know how I roll.

Have you had this happen?
You’re talking to some person about yourself and you refer to yourself as fat, feeling all full of activism and pride, when the person stops you with a look of horror and exclaims, “You are NOT fat!!!” Ugh! It’s almost as though admitting you are fat there in makes them fat…or something. It’s bullshit. It’s their hang up, not yours. And here’s the thing, you have every right to identify as anything you want to. Period. No one can take that from you.

This time of year makes these situations all the more difficult with the endless presence of food. But we are strong…no one can tell us we’re wroooooong! Sorry, my inner Pat Benatar does tend to come out occasionally. I personally believe that it is vital to assert your preferred identity as something wholly your own and in no way a reflection of others. When people try to take this from you it is rude, disrespectful, but also very fucking belittling. As though you couldn’t possibly know or understand how you yourself think/feel, etc. Ugh!

When faced with this situation, I quickly and calmly attempt to educate them on their misstep. Not in any way rude or overly aggressive, but again calmly and as simply as possible. Most people receive my little schpeel of info easily and even tend to ask questions…but then you get these insistors! They insist XYZ is bad/unhealthy/the Devil! Yes, I still attempt to explain to them that food has no moral value. If they get even more insistent, I smile and deliberately walk away, if I can. If I cannot and I don’t know the person I will attempt a polite, “well this is going nowhere” with a giant cheesy grin. Why? Because fuck them, that’s why!

Why do we let people walk all over us and then apologize to them on top of it? WHY? There’s no reason! Apologize for nothing you had zero control over! I am sick of hearing people say “sorry” for every little fucking thing! Stop it right now! You have no reason to be sorry. It’s some bullshit social construct either foisted upon us or by our own design, in either case I am throwing that off and away for good. No more, “Sorry” when someone bumps into me or rudely steps on my feet. I mean, why the hell should I be sorry? THEY SHOULD!

I am done with people pushing their prejudices and baggage on me. DONE! And I feel so much better about myself and social gatherings. I even went to a party the other night and found myself chatting with all kinds of people I’d never met before and I had a blast. Body stuff didn’t even come up…not once! Shocking!

So yes, when someone is rude to me, I tell them. It’s important to me that someone tell them and since most people are fearful of a social faux pas . Well I had no say in the building of such social constructs, honesty is best so long as you’re not rude about it. Civility is important. Calm and intelligent discussions are vital! These are the things we are lacking in society today. You don’t see much of that in films or television…it’s up to us to create the world we want to live in.

And because I had a shit morning and spilled my perfectly crafted coffee all over my kitchen in an attempt to make myself something for breakfast  besides coffee I will leave you with the above to consider for  yourself. I really need to finish this second coffee before anything else happens. ha-ha!

 

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