In regards to this post Socially Fat , it was recommended by a great friend and commenter that I x-post to an LJ community. I did and the response was an impressive tale of online dating adventures and failures (not on the part of the responder, mind you). She mentions that many guys she met were under the impression that “Fat Girls Are Easy.” Of course the first thing that came to mind was the fabulously cheesy 1989 film “Earth Girls Are Easy.” I know, it wasn’t intended and I know what she means as I have encountered this way of thinking myself in various moments of my life. But then I began to see some strange parallels. Forgive my tangent, but I think I have something here…

Man, I love that movie! I could not tell you how many times I’ve seen it if I tried. And I was a valley girl, still am I guess. I mean, if I get particularly excited about something, I slip right back into the verbiage and everything. Just need to Aquanet my bangs, put on the jelly bracelets and I am there! Ha! I had wanted to be a hair stylist back then, too. Though I also was convinced I’d be the greatest Pop star ever “Blaze” was going to be my stage name. Ugh! *bows head in shame*

The movie was about a gal whose relationship is falling apart after she catches her doctor boyfriend sleeping with a female nurse. And hilarity ensues, but then it doesn’t. This movie is truly about a girl who has been betrayed by the man she loves and at first she wants him back, that is until she meets three fine strangers who distract her and show her that there’s more to life than some jerk of a boyfriend. Her BFF played by Julie Brown (not the “Downtown” one, either, the Original!) is there to help her along the way and give the three strangers a brilliant valley-esque makeover. The result? More hilarity but also a slowly brewing romance.

One could easily compare the “aliens” to fats in this plot. You see, a fat in a valley dating scenario would easily be considered alien. And certainly any salon-a-tron would jump at the chance to makeover a fatty! Always seems to be someone around to transform a fatty, be it on t.v. or movies or what have you. There was nothing wrong with the strangers when they arrived, but in this valley world they simply don’t fit in. So they emerge as the salon-a-tron’s ultimate success as these hairless, hipster dorks (in my opinion). Suddenly the main gal played by Geena Davis in full glam valley-osity, sees them in a whole new light! Suddenly these strangers/aliens/fatties are A-OK because they fit in her version of the norm.

This film makes no bones about the fact that the women in this “valley” are quick to bed only the hottest of hotties and thus you see many a scene of flirtation and so on. Everything seems to revolve around sex, even when it doesn’t. While Geena Davis’ character seems a bit on the light-headed side, she does “get it” eventually and beds Jeff Goldblum’s character. After which she is of course in love and cannot be without him. Because, of course, sex = love for ladies, right? Um, not exactly.

Here’s the thing, everyone is an individual. Every person is a multi-faceted personality with varying emotions and experiences and thoughts. Amazingly, this applies to fatties, too! Yep! Incredibly, just like “normal” gals, fatties, too have different ideas and experiences and feelings on any given subject. And when it comes to sex? Yeah, we’re not all the same in that arena either. I have actually been both the prude and the slut in my lifetime and now fall somewhere in between. I’m a unique individual. Fun! I get to have my own ideas and opinions and go about my life in a different way (than most).

So, when I heard this “Fat Girls Are Easy” thing again I thought about it awhile. And just like a lot of people think that blonds are dumb and redheads are feisty (I so f-ing hate that stereotype, yo!) fatties are not necessarily easy. YOU GUYS!!! Fatties are unique individuals, too! Being fat is no more or less a descriptor than being tall or having long hair. Yet somewhere along the way in our civilization (or more to the point U.S. society) fatties have become the aliens and must be changed! They must fit into some pre-labeled concept of we just can’t deal as a society.

Well, FUCK THAT! I refuse to fit into any category. Wait! Unless Bad-Ass-Punk-Fat-Awesome is a category? No? Okay, then FUCK THAT! Ha-ha! I won’t compare anyone to a fucking snow flake, but dude! DUDE! We are all unique, no two are alike and while we may have some traits in common with someone else, just being fat does not make me or anyone else a slut by proxy! Yes, I’ve been treated like a one night stand when all I was looking for was love. Yes, I’ve treated guys like a one night stand when they just wanted to get to know me better. This doesn’t mean anything about anyone else but me. I hate to keep harping on this, buy you guys? This stereotype won’t kill itself. We have to actively remind people that not only are we human, but we are our own people and can make our own choices. DAMN!

Thanks for hanging in there for my “Earth Girls Are Easy” comparison. Hopefully it came across as intended.

IMDB info on the film: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0097257/

It’s been about three years (although I think it’s been four) since I discovered the community online that is Fat Acceptance. It’s been a wild ride. It’s been a personal journey. I’ve grown so much and learned so much. I’ve met cool people both online and in the real world. I’ve found my self-esteem again. I am more open. I am more honest. I am more truly me. I promote these things in my life, too. I lead by example. I have discovered that there is very little in this world that I cannot handle or tackle or do. I smile much more easily than I ever have before. I enjoy life. I am happy!

I try to keep my friends and my husband in my little FA loop, but sometimes things get lost in translation. And sometimes people just don’t want to hear it. Just like I don’t want to hear their diet and weight loss talk. I get it. Sometimes I think I get a little too excited about this stuff and I get very caught up in it and sort of mouth-splode all at my husband. He’ rad though. He wanted to read the “Lessons from the fatosphere” book and he enjoyed it. So I forget sometimes that he’s not truly part of the FA community. He’s never read a blog or an article or anything. He doesn’t know the “Fat Nurse” from the “Fat Nutritionist” and could never tell you why Marianne Kirby’s blog is called therotund.com.

I have friends who understand my thought on fat and FA and can generally get behind what that means to me. They will say things like “that’s so refreshing to hear” and generally seem happy that I have found this strength within myself because of FA. Sometimes though, these same people will say things to me like, “Gawd! I just need to lose ___ lbs!” or “I know if I join Weight Watchers again I will lose the weight again.” and “I just want me pre-baby body back!” never thinking about how this may seem to me. These friends who are certainly under 150 lbs, though some much much lower than even that. I was mentioning this to my husband and I had had a sort of revelation on this and he interrupted me saying (not verbatim), “How can they look at YOU and say that about themselves with any seriousness? Somehow their fat is in some other context from yours? I don’t get it.”

But then I told him what I had come to realize earlier that day. It’s nothing terribly new or exciting, but to me it was a bit of an “Ah-ha!” moment. I told him, “But they don’t see my fatness the same way they see their bodies. They may think I’m fattastic or whatever, but in their own mind, they feel fat or what they think of as fat. It has nothing to do with me at all. And it certainly isn’t met as anything towards me.” He understood this immediately. If you change the context from fat to say general insecurity anyone can relate. I mean, everyone has some part of themselves (body part or inner characteristic) that they don’t like about themselves, even when others insist that thing isn’t true. It’s somehow just in our nature as a society. I think that is the biggest part of this, too. Society! Somewhere along the way “Society” has turned us all into perfectionists when it comes to our appearance. We’re supposed to look a very specific way or we are considered worthless.

This little revelation actually had an immediate effect on me. While watching t.v. later that night some promo for some awful show came on and had all of these obviously surgically altered ladies strutting and catting and whatever to promote their reality show and my husband just sort of groaned in disgust and I turned to him and said, “Wow! These are supposed to be some sort of an example of a beautiful if not perfect woman and yet I find them completely unattractive.” He smiled and agreed. I love him so!It was as though this whole societal pressure veil that’s been shoved down my throat my entire life had been lifted from my eyes. Let’s hope it’s for good!

I do still have friends who will never see the beauty in themselves the way I see it in them. There are others, still who just don’t get that 10 extra lbs. is not the end of the fucking universe. And some just feel unhealthy despite their 110 lbs. weight. they just know that they are inactive and need to move to feel good again. If only we were all so attuned.

Let’s try this together. Stand up. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath in and then out. Again. Then put your hand on your heart. And sat out loud to yourself the following (only, use your name instead of mine):

I love you, notblueatall. You matter and are important and strong and loved. I love you notblueatall

Now take another big deep breath in and let it all the way out. Open your eyes and see a brighter world waiting for you to take a big fat bite out of! YOU FUCKING ROCK! =0)

Thanks for reading. <3

I was thinking about social networking on my way into work this morning. Okay, I think about a lot of things in the car, I have a 45 minute commute after all. And well, I listen to things like KPFA & today, the Fatcast: Two Whole Cakes!  On said Fatcast, they were talking about gender in relation to fat. And while my thoughts were wandering at a stop light I found myself thinking about fats and how we can use social networking to our fatvantage (totally made that up but I like it!). I only use social networking sites (like facebook, twitter, myspace, linkedin, etc) for staying in touch or up to date with friends. Mostly people I know in my social circle, but also people I have met through blogs or livejournal. I enjoy getting updates on their lives or things they’re into or what have you. But this morning I started thinking about dating.

Okay, so I’ve been married 6 years and my husband and I have been together for over 12 years…so it’s been awhile since I’ve dated (if you can even call it that). Back then it was just AOL and chat rooms. Ha-ha! Oh man, so much time chatting with all sorts of people. I found myself in an San Francisco based one even though that wasn’t where I lived. Made some friends, but mostly just found drama. Today there’s a ton of dating specific sites, not to mention the usual ones like I mentioned above. Back then I would simply identify as full figured. Funny, I would never say this now. I prefer FAT! I remember a specific instance that turned out alright after all was said and done, but the guy in question when answering his door for our “date” (he was going to make me dinner, oh yeah!), “Um, you’re more full figured than I thought.” and I responded unflinchingly, “Yeah, you’re a lot skinner and shorter than I thought.” but we got along so well over the phone it seemed silly to let this get in the way. We eventually became friends, but then life happened and we lost touch.

It makes me wonder about fats in the dating scene today. Especially online? I mean, your employer can look you up for free so it’s best to keep these things low-key, right? When MySpace was at the height of it’s popularity it seemed to be full of nothing but wannabe porn stars mugging for (or showing other things very close to) the camera. Now it seems like only comedians and aspiring musicians use it. I don’t see much of that sort of thing on Facebook, I wonder why. Or maybe it’s there and just not in my circle of friends. At any rate I was thinking on this and wondering how one presents themselves in the dating environments of the interwebz. I think if for whatever reason I found myself “out there” again (like what, in the cold & rain? Ha-ha!) I’d be much more willing to identify as fat and think it would be a great jerk filter simply by using that word.

Certainly there are fat specific communities and events. I’ve seen many a BBW night at local clubs/bars, meet up groups and such…I’ve never been to one, being that I am married, but have wondered what that’s like. Is it a bunch of sleezeballs on the prowl for their next fat-lay? Because it does seem to be an accepted (although mega-wrong) concept of a fat woman being easy. I don’t think I ever hat to beat them off with a stick (as my uncles all warned when I was a little girl), but I was hardly in want of a lover, for sure. I just can’t wrap my head around how technology has taken over that part of our social interactions.

I have always been one for more spontaneous human interactions, preferably in a public place. Do blind dates still happen? Do successful relationships ever start at a bar? I met my husband by hiring him for x-mas help at a music store, so that was easy. He came to me. Ha! Prior to that though I would usually meet guys at music shows or goth clubs or through friends or at parties, just whenever wherever, ya know? Ugh!

I know it’s rough on the old self-esteem no matter how you find dates, but with the amount of control you have over your profiles and images online, is it easier? Are people photo shopping and glamor shooting themselves into an unrecognizable fantasy? I guess it’s pretty dang random of me to even care, but hey I just think about stuff!

I would love LOVE to hear from anyone who has some first hand experience on the subject. Speak up! I wanna talk!
Thanks for reading as always, darlings.

=0)

Reading this http://littleowl.com/heidi/2010/07/12/laying-down-the-rules/ post on one of my favorite fat blogs this morning I was reminded of my own journey of self acceptance and how this has been both positive and problematic.

It truly is amazing, when you sit down and think about it, how much of what we may perceive as our own ideals or concepts when it comes to body image that we get from marketing/advertising/media outlets. I have known guys who claimed they were attracted only to a very very specific “type” of woman. Regardless of the guy’s own credentials, this was their ideal woman and they would settle for nothing less. Though most did, I have no doubt that some are still sitting on the couch playing video games insisting “she’s out there, man” and letting time pass them by into oblivion. Not that that’s the only way things could play out, but c’mon?!  We can be so damned narrow minded as a species. And I recall this being brought up many times in my life.

Have you ever sat around with friends and said things like, “Would you rather have sex with ___ or ___?” and then you all giggled and laughed and had to make that tough decision, though metaphorical? Ugh! I am guilty of this myself. Although sometimes it’s fun, especially when it’s my rad friends who pick the strangest of combination of people, mostly celebrities. Why do we do this? How can you compare one person to another? It’s just not right. And if we’re talking looks alone? Well, that doesn’t fly with me. Never has. I’m one of those rare birds who prefers to look deeper than appearances. Just how I was raised, perhaps, but also what I would hope people would do while assessing me.

The point I’m getting to here is that what we often think are our own instinctual attractions actually aren’t. We have these images and ideas pushed upon us from birth. Simple things people say or imply or what t.v. portrays as the ideal image of the human body…none of this is instinctual. And if you want to get right down to it? Well, instinct dictates nothing more than reproductive abilities, not hair color & cup size! While I may have “child-rearing hips” I have no intention at the present moment to reproduce. That may change, but that is my own prerogative, too. And we all struggle with body image, no matter what size/shape you are. You may not even realize it! But if you’ve ever focused on one body part that was “fat/horrible/gross/etc” then you do.

While I would prefer not to get into the entirety of HAES (Healthy At Every Size) you can find the facts here: http://www.haescommunity.org/ it is important for me to state here that anyone can struggle with their body image and it can have nothing to do with their current size at all. Heidi’s post (linked at the top of this post) reminded me of my own journey on the road to size acceptance. I think it all began when I was 16 and had just started working at a Contempo Casuals Outlet. The manager was this tall and slim lady whom I looked up to greatly (not just literally, ha-ha). Her two assistant managers were probably the size I am now. The rest of the staff were your typical 18-23 year old gals either about to or currently attending college. I had been having a hard time buying pants at regular stores and my BFF Summer had bought me the cutest jeans at this Mexican clothing store in our town. They were black with zippers at the hem of the legs with bows above the zippers and the main zipper, at the waist, was in back! I  loved them so much when I was 14 I asked my dad to buy me more. They were so cheap that he bought me three more.

Anyway, I had started at Contempo and was trying my best to fit in. I somehow didn’t understand my own size wasn’t the same as the other girls. While I knew I wasn’t slender, I didn’t think I was fat let alone plus sized or anything of the sort. I wasn’t exactly in-touch with my body, either. After awhile, maybe I year or so, the two assistant managers took me to a Lane Bryan sale in San Francisco and W@OW! Life changing! They helped me pick things out and since almost everything was $7 I had almost an entire wardrobe for $60! And, they made me feel normal. Here were these very large women, as I am now, who embraced my awkwardness and showed me a bit about how to dress and not break the bank. This has seriously been my way of life since then.

Not very long ago I was very camera shy. I didn’t consciously know it, but it’s true. I wouldn’t make a fuss about not being in a pic or anything, but would be the first to volunteer to take the pic. I loved taking pics actually, but that’s besides the point. I was going through photo albums after moving a couple of month ago and realized that there are huge chunks of my life undocumented. How sad! This combined with the fact that there were far too many bad pictures of me trying not to be photographed and I decided never again! From then on I would smile and pose and try to look my best since, hey, these would be a snapshot of that moment in time, dammit! I wanted to look back fondly, not with shame or embarrassment.

Now? Well, I recently started loving my bad photos! And what’s helped me with regular ones is taking a ton of pics of myself. Making faces, bad hair dos, you name it! I have them all, too. I don’t delete them. I keep them. I look at them from time to time. I ponder over them. And if I’m feeling especially fashionable/fatshionable I’ll take a full body shot and post on the live journal Fatshionista community an Outfit Of The Day (OOTD). This has also helped me grow and become more accepting of myself. There is no community of people more loving, I feel, then that one! Without that community I don’t know that I would have had the strength to open my own business or blog or anything I’ve done in the last four years!

It is still a struggle, even now, to be so publicly fat…but it’s also very worth it. For ever one of us that goes out in public holding their head high, there are probably a dozen gorgeous fatties too afraid to do the things they long to do because of shame or fear or other things. When I see another fattie in public, I smile and say “Hi!” or compliment them or ask where they got their outfit/jewelry/etc. Never in an insincere way though. I usually find something fabulous to compliment in anyone I meet, but fatties? Well, I love all of us! And seeing more of us out in public makes me so very happy. It puts the image of us in people’s minds as more normal. I refuse to be considered a freak for my size or appearance! I’m not saying everyone HAS TO be out and about with their fatness, but I think it is a wonderful form of fat activism. And I simply can’t help it since I run a business serving the public.

I wanted to share some examples of what I think are good pics, bad pics and fun-bad pics of me:

1. did not want my pic taken 2. my granny impression

3. my Wizard of Oz impression 4. hiding my body behind my friends (I was 19, y’all!)

5. Self-taken good pic  6. Me & P! Adorable pic! 7. My fave pic of my friends & I!

8. Pic my friend J took at my cafe for an art show  9. Me at karaoke, reluctantly posing for a picture

You probably can’t tell the difference other than a lack of smile in that first one, but I can see the difference in my posture and facial expressions…I am so glad that I have these pics to remind me of those fab times! Especially the sepia one of my bestest friends in the world! We went to Napa last year and while it was only two days, it was so very fun and memorable! Thanks again, Tom-O!

I hope that you find your own path to self acceptance no matter what form that takes. You deserve to love yourself and to feel loved. You deserve health and happiness and general awesomeness! Thanks for reading!

That is such a lovely badge! I found it and the challenge over at http://www.tabayag.com/ and love the idea and shall push myself to do each of these things and you know I’ll share this special journey with all of you lovely darlings!

Here are the specifics:

THE RULES:

• Wear shorts (NO LEGGINGS, NO TIGHTS!)
• Wear something without sleeves
• Wear something STRAPLESS
• Rock a bathing suit
• Wear a bodycon dress/outfit
• Go SPANX/shaper free (might be harder for some of us..ahem…ME)
• Rock a maxi dress or something similar
• Wear something structure-less
• Wear a short skirt/dress
• YOUR CHOICE: Something you normally wouldn’t wear/do – BE BRAVE!

Then I can send her the link and enter to win a gift certificate to somewhere. I don’t even care about that part (although, Target? Whoa! I need that!), it’s the challenge I’m for. I recently went OUTSIDE in a strapless top. I was very self-conscious at first and then found that I was so comfortable on such a terribly hot day that I stopped caring! I have a fab wrap skirt thingy on it’s way, too. So I’ll try to incorporate that. Oh so cool!