I used to be the type of gal that would be willing to die for something, to stick my neck out and throw my hat into the ring! Since the first of the year I have been happier than I’d known I could ever be. I felt these parts of the old fiery me returning, parts that had seriously been in a coma! I think I had started to mourn myself while at the cafe. I tried to give my life meaning by creating this big burden of a project. I was lost and without a path. Not that I have a fucking path right now either, but I see that I had lost myself. I spent so much time working and fighting and struggling that I’d forgotten what it was all for. Because if it ain’t for yourself and your own heart, you’re just phoning in!

That is how I feel. I gave up on myself. I forgot what I am capable of. What I can create or lead. I forgot to find the fun inside of myself. So I searched outside, always. And just like always I get heartbroken, disappointed, fucked over, left for worse and used. My knee-jerk reaction is “Trust no one!” and hide myself away. I seem to repeat this pattern. I don’t know why it’s taken me thirty-four fucking years to get a clue, but here it is and I am grateful.

I’ve never had therapy. I’m a true DIYer, I suppose. Out of necessity, usually. I seem to almost want to learn my lessons the hard way, the hardest when I can find it! I like to dwell on shit so hard and for so long that it turns into diamonds (if only)! I fall in love with people fast and regret giving my heart away. A friend forgets something and suddenly I’m in tears and feel betrayed. I burn with rage and pout when my desires are not satisfied, but will hide behind my cold shoulder rather than actually tell them what I want/need. I will struggle for days before asking for help/love/support/etc. Even over small shit. It’s idiotic! My ego gets a light shone upon it from the outside world and suddenly I think I know it all!

I am a flawed beast! I am an animal by nature, I see it now. I can allow my circumstances to command my life or I can choose to take matters into my own hands and learn how to survive. I’ve done the surviving bit, done it to death! I’m exhausted. I’m at a breaking point. I am not yet sure why it is now that I have come to this destination, but it is where I happen to have ended up. I suppose it’s a moment of clarity, but it feels more like insanity at the moment. That I will still take a bullet for people who may or may not even remember by birthday. That I should put so much stock and hopes into such trivialities proves my cowardice. My weaknesses have never changed, only my strengths have. I grow stronger with every scar upon my heart and ever wrong done to me.

It’s like a window shade has pulled up and the storm I thought was outside all along never was and it’s a gloriously perfect day out there! Bam! Sunshine! I can see things and understand things so much better now. That I am not simply a flawed beast, but a magnificent one! One to be appreciated and never ignored. One to be loved and protected. I am the phoenix and I am the queen! I should be busting balls, breaking rules and living for me! Trust I am not sure even exists. It’s more like we just fool each other long enough to forget the pain of the previous betrayal. But whatever, it’s not important anyway. Because I can choose to live or die or fight another day. Our destiny is by our own designs if we wish it to be. If we follow our hearts and refuse to settle for less. If we love and support one another and not be total assholes.

I found myself once again ready to risk it all for a single cause. I surprised myself. I shocked myself. I forgot and lost myself in it and was blind to the rest of the world. It felt amazing! It felt like that moment where you’re not sure where you end and your “comfy bed” begins. We are human and whatever our purpose as a species may be, I am an individual with the intelligence and power to choose my own. My journey is mine, my mistakes, too. And if it is regret that I face, well, I suppose that is my cross to bear, too.

I require passion, poetry, attention, love and probably more junk I had given up on years ago. I gave up on my own spark! My own special blend of herbs and spices, yo! I mean, what the fuck?! I don’t care what size my ass is, I am amazing and I can move mountains! I can do the un-doable and make things work that just didn’t before. Except for the matter of finding it in my own life. And now I’m a wreck and what can I do? I make a new choice. I decide. I’ve come to that proverbial fork in the road. Every song seems to be written just for me. Each one equally worthy of obsessing over and singing on repeat…for days! Oh yeah, my obsessive nature is back! Yay!

I actually looked up the word Manic on dictionary.com today. Yep, c’est moi! oh le jour heureux! My feet have hit the ground and have yet decided to run or stroll or amble or, “Hey, what’s that?!” I have been shown kindnesses and trust and passion and meaning this past week and I didn’t know how to accept it. I tried to find fault in it. I tried to taint it. And I am such a fool for trying. I now know what I cam capable of. I now know how much love I have to give, so much that it hurts. And in return I get so much love and support and compassion from those I love and trust the most. I have been moved beyond words and shed more tears this week than I have in the last year! Funny how a panic attack can lead to some clarity! Ha-ha!

Thank you for touching my life and my heart. You have shown me a reflection of myself that I had forgotten existed. That I could be the fusion of fantasy and reality, that I could feel whole and worthy and believe I deserve it. Thank you for this gift. I will do my best to accept it, for the rest of my life. <3

I know the secret to being hot shit! Anyone can do it, it’s easy if you try, just get on our on the dance floor and let that shit fly! Okay, sorry…but it’s true! I think the big secret to being sexy, to feeling sexy, to being seen as sexy? You just gotta believe it! Be it! And if you’re not there yet? Fake it until you are! I’m serious!

I don’t care if you don’t know how to dance a certain way or if you’re not usually the type to dance, we all have this inner dance, like a happy dance or a hearty frolic! A jig! Whatever it is you do or shake or shuffle when you feel awesome! THAT! That is what makes you sexy! Well, no…you’re already sexy! YOU ARE ALREADY SEXY AS HELL!  You may not be able to see it through the bullshit society piles on us all, but it’s there and you are! When you believe it, when you walk with a strut or hold your head high or smile easily, that is sexy as hell!

When you are doing things for you, and only you? When you are in the zone and being the truest form of you? Nothing can stop it, you’re hot! Now own it! Flaunt it! Rock it! Wear it on your sleeve or tucked into your back pocket, but work that shit out! Dance it or shake it or find a way to exude that energy inside of you! Find a pleasureful movement and do it often! Crank up the tunes and pump up the jams! Find your theme song! Choose your mantra! Scream and shout it!

Because you fucking deserve to feel fantastic everyday! You are worth so much and wasting time on hating yourself or others is only holding you back! Step outside of your comfort zone, do something completely new! Find the funny story in an awkward situation and celebrate it! Do something silly or awesome? Shout, “Revoloosh!” and hold up a fist! And laugh your ass off! Laughing is required! Silly is necessary! Smiling is life! Belly bump! Hip bump! Whatever!

We’re all so serious these days, but having fun is fucking free! Feeling good is free and it tastes like freedom! And nothing tastes as good as rocking out to your own beat, babies! I love you all! <3

What if, Sarah, from now on and forevermore, people stopped using the word “evil” and replaced it with “ignorance”?

Yeah, less fear, more better; global transformation.

Let’s,
The Universe
(I get these every weekday from www.tut.com, it rocks and it’s free…you should try it!)

I loved this message! When you get right down to it, what many of us see as “evil” is actually ignorance. Sure it could be ignorance due to privilege or a number of things, really. When you think of all of the “Health Experts” and marketing bullshit, is it any wonder? Ignorance prevails in this society and perpetuated and even preyed upon, if not outright created for profit! It takes a smart and brave soul to actually question all that’s been told/taught/presented to them from childhood. I know it took me awhile before I began to question authority figures (though not always aloud, ha-ha!) and even longer to distrust mainstream media in general.

It’s funny (not in a ha-ha sort of way, either) that today many things deemed “evil” are simply branches of old prejudices or superstitions. I mean, that and good old fashioned misogyny! Ah yes, of all of the ways to control women, those marketing geniuses came up with dieting and hair removal for the “fairer sex.” *ShakesHead* Ugh! By pushing back and fighting for equality we were then deemed too masculine or called extremists! Psshhht! Funny how those words still get tossed around, though not always at the same groups as back then.

I’m saying that though the haters will continue to hate, perhaps how we approach and deal with it could be different. By realizing that it’s not blind hate, but misinformation all together, that is the real “evil!” This is why I don’t care how many times some motherfucker wants to call me a know-it-all, I will educate people and set them straight if the situation calls for it. Not rudely, but the truth needs to get out! I cannot stand idly by while someone starts on their “informing” of the masses about some lie-filled bullshit! And we wonder where “concern trolls” are born?!

People feel righteous, we all do, in their beliefs. But if we never speak up, if we never compare notes, we all just go around ramming into each other…and not in the fun way! We help no one by remaining silently angry or hurt. When we share ourselves, our stories, our voices and experiences, we heal and we help others to heal and we educate! Just think back to when you first considered or heard of fat acceptance/pride/liberation! What did these new/radical concepts made you think or feel? Did you resist or question it at first? Are you still learning to accept yourself?

I do believe that life is a journey. The destination is all the same for us, but it’s the stops on that journey that make up our lives. It’s the people and the connections and the joy and the simplest of pleasures. It’s following what’s in your heart and not stamping upon others. It’s doing right by others by doing right by yourself! It’s not settling and it’s honoring your most authentic self! It’s not taking shit or letting anyone hold you back or down! It’s finding your passion and following your dreams! It’s not about wealth or objects or status, ever! It’s love and that is all!

Since many parts of the world are getting colder right now I thought why not try something different than the old Tank Top Tuesday posts and go in the opposite direction: Winter Wear! I also hope to do a coat shopping guide/options post soon.  Please see below for information on how you can submit your own pics and info for future posts. Thanks.

*****************

This week’s submission comes from my good friend Robin! Woo hoo!

These were from last winter. It was so nice at the snow! I don’t have a philosophy or anything I am just happy with who I am flaws and all! ;0)

******************************

Thanks Robin! You know I love you, gurl! <3

I am taking submissions from anyone who wants to participate in “Fats in Winter Wear” posts! Email your pics here: notblueatall@notblueatall.com, please include the name you’d like in the post, a blog or etsy shop you wanna plug, your thoughts on winter wear or other fatty philosophies. Have fun with it!

For additional content, links, aricles, stuff and more, please “Like” the blog’s Facebook Page. Thanks!

I think we sometimes get so caught up in our day to day lives that we tend to compress our hopes and dreams into very specific things. Sometimes we focus so much on what our dreams are that we forget that they may take a different shape or form. I know that this has been true for me. But after selling the cafe I was suddenly faced with, well, everything! I felt free of the stress and burdens of small business ownership and suddenly anything seemed possible! And nothing has proven this to me more than my new job.

I now work for happygoatcaramel.com and so far I love it. I never would have imagined taking a part-time position, but it feels quite liberating to me. It was all so unexpected. But I think it’s a good fit and I have many ideas for the future. So far 2012 (Woo!) has shown me the possibilities that are just waiting for me to take a bite out of in this world. I love that! I love being surprised by life in positive ways. I feel great because of it.

I’d been struggling with my knees for a few months now, but the funny thing is after NYE, despite the dancing and drinking, the next day my knees felt fine! No more pain! And the pain hasn’t returned! It’s like a NYE miracle or something. How is it that I drank as much as I did and danced way more than planned and ended up feeling BETTER the next day?! Ha-ha! It seems impossible, but it happened. Saturday was rough, actually, because I’d been limping from the pain in my left knee. Even walking the red carpet into the club that night I had a limp. I don’t know what happened, but I am so fucking grateful that it did!

I have a new found (or re-found) lust for life and a desire to get to know people on a deeper level. I want to maintain the relationships I have and meet new people and just keep doing that. I feel that this human connection we all share is the spice of life and is what keeps me going. It’s when I hide myself away that I grow depressed and afraid of the world. No more! But I will also listen and trust my body and if I feel the need to cloister, I will without guilt or shame. Because self-care should take precedence. We cannot help or care for others when we neglect our own health and well-being.

Though it’s only just begun, 2012 (Woo!) has already been a hundred times better than that last year. I felt at many times that I couldn’t go on or that things were simply hopeless. And here we all are on the other side and things are getting better, slowly but surely! And I believe in my heart that if I love with my whole self and treat people with love instead of judgment then life will show my proper path to whatever it is that I am meant to do. I feel it, like it’s on the horizon or the tip of my tongue…

Open yourself to possibilities and opportunities no matter what shape they may take and you will surprise yourself at what you can accomplish! Don’t let fear hold you back. Lose the shame and guilt and just enjoy yourself as yourself and just be you! Think about beliefs or thoughts you’ve long held to be true and re-examine them and how you feel about them now. Doing just that has lead me to some fun adventures and heartfelt discussions. Love those!

Take care of you, babies! I love you all! <3