Instead of the usual “stuff I wanna buy but can’t or will never afford” type of wish list, I’ve decided there is a more important list for me and my fat ass today:

1. I wish all fats could travel in comfort regardless of the mode of transportation they choose. No weight limits or any other type of restrictions. No embarrassment. No shame. No dirty looks. None of it! And seriously, someone solve the airplane seat thing already! You’ll be rich!
2. I wish that all fashion designers would make clothing for all sizes. Seriously? What is the hold up?! Is our money not green enough for ya? I mean, it’s just bad business. Get on this!!!
3. I wish that all shoes came in different widths. Humans have varying sizes and widths of feet and we should not have to scour the internet to find a pair that is a.) comfortable b.) fits my foot and c.) affordable! YO!
4. I wish that sizing in general would be more uniform. When you’re a fatty looking for fatshions, it’s hard enough to find the actual garment measurements, let alone figuring out what size is which for every damned company! Even fats only clothing lines can be mega-wonky. Try some European style sizing where the number actually reflects the measurements!!!
5. I wish that I could walk into a Nordstrom or Macy’s or Sephora or MAC or any upscale-ish store and be treated like I’m literally made of money. Just once I’d like to look up at a sales girl and not see her looking down her nose at me with disdain. I do have money from time to time but I shall not be padding your commission today. Or how about this radical idea: Treat Everyone The Same & With Respect!!!
6. I wish that height & weight were added to every discrimination law in every state in every country in the world. PERIOD!
7. I wish I could tell every child that they are wonderful and worth every bit of effort under the stars. I wish I could look them all in the eye and tell them they are beautiful and loved. Especially the fat kids!
8. I wish that there was one big fat universal all over the world health care system. It would cover anyone at any time regardless of everything and only the truly selfless & passionate would become doctors and they would be well paid and highly regarded.
9. I wish that people would brag about losing attitude and negativity over pounds. We should reward each other for being more positive. People who talk badly about themselves would be encouraged to love themselves.
   
10. I wish that the diet industry would make a huge (ha-ha) press release to announce their great failure & shame for lying to the entire world. They must pay back a percentage of money to anyone who has tried their programs/etc and apologize to them. People would use the word diet appropriately from then on.
    
11. I wish that talent was the new thin! Creativity the new black! And positivity the new everything!
12. I wish that everyone could say the word FAT with a smile and forget words like “obese” & “morbid” & “overweight” and any other euphemism for FAT!  It would forever be used as a descriptor and little else.
13. I wish that fat characters were portrayed in every movie, show, play, musical, comedy troupe (you name it!) with a real sense of respect/honesty/reality.
    
14. I wish that whole, healthful & nutritious foods were available to everyone, regardless of class, status, geography or other restrictions.
15. I wish that all fats could leave the house with their head held high and without a worry or fear of harassment or shame.

What would be on YOUR Big Fat Wish List???

Here were the challenges:

• Wear shorts (NO LEGGINGS, NO TIGHTS!)
• Wear something without sleeves
• Wear something STRAPLESS
• Rock a bathing suit
• Wear a bodycon dress/outfit
• Go SPANX/shaper free (might be harder for some of us..ahem…ME)
• Rock a maxi dress or something similar
• Wear something structure-less
• Wear a short skirt/dress
• YOUR CHOICE: Something you normally wouldn’t wear/do – BE BRAVE!

Here’s my pics: Death Fattie Ahoy! (I’m 5’4″, 32 years old

#1 Shorts: WOW! I did this? Um, okay. I think they don’t show as well in this pic, but when I walk they were above my knees. Scarily so! I paired them with this top because it’s cute, comfy but also strappy! Again, mega-scary, but also so glad I did it! I felt 14 again! Ha-ha!

#2 Sleeveless: As featured in this post: http://www.notblueatall.com/archives/fun-fatshion-friday/Very empowering! I’m so glad I went out and about. I felt all classy with my pearls. I should really wear them more often.

#3 Strapless: from this post: http://www.notblueatall.com/archives/big-moves-bay-areas-go-big-or-go-home-7-10-2010/ What an incredible night that was. I’ll never think of dance the same way again! Thanks to my two fabulous BFFs for supporting me, taking the picture and attending such an incredible event. Y’all rock my socks to no end!

#4 Bathing Suit: This is my oh-so-comfy Junonia suit from last year. Got rid of my old too-much-cleavage-I’ll-never-be-able-to-swim ones. This one keeps my ladies zipped in, for your safety! And finally at a length I can deal with. It’s such a soft and fun, ribbed, fabric. Love it! But this was a hard shot to take, too! I had planned a pool visit, but it was freezing out! Yeah, in California, I know! So I grabbed some props and did what I could.

#5 Bodycon dress/outfit: THIS DRESS! You guys? You have no idea. When I saw it at Ross weeks ago I thought A.) it will never fit me (tag says 3X). B.) it’s so very sort! C.) it’s so clingy in a not-very-obvious but still very conscious way. BUT? I love this dress!!! I feel awesome in it and can’t wait for an event to make en entrance with it to go to.

#6 Go Spanx/Shaper free:
I never wear ‘em! So what you see is all me.
#7 Maxi Dress: This was that Ellos maxi dress that was sold out over and over again last year. It’s this thick jersy cotton…so comfy & I love it, but it is sometimes too hot for such heavy fabric. But again, the comfort! Woo! (And bonus, back of my pug’s head! Ha!)

#8 Structureless: Not sure if this qualifies, but it’s all I had. Very slouchy top from Target last year and a “skirt” also from target that can be worth thusly or as a tube top dress thingy. I’ve worn it both ways, but this is the comfy-est non-skirt ever! And watch out: Fatty wearing a belt! Run Will Robinson…RUN!

#9 Short Skirt or Dress: from this post: http://www.notblueatall.com/archives/bfsc-an-evening-at-the-theatre/ I had no idea I still harbored so much shame about my legs. WOW! I learned a lot about myself that night.

#10 My choice, Be Brave: My Legs! YIKES! In the shortest thing I own at that! WOW! I actually like this pic even though you see my legs!!!

This whole challenge has me feeling so strong and brave and…just..GOOD!

And my ankle tattoo since some seemed interested. It was 8 hours of horrible pain, but totally worth it! While it made me reconsider ever getting another, I am already plotting & planning! =0)

Thanks for following along with me on this adventure. It truly was a challenge and taught me things about myself I never would have imagined. And all thanks to this gal & her lovely blog: http://www.tabayag.com/

Did you do the Big Fat Summer Challenge? Send me a link, I wanna see!!!

Here is another step in my Big Fat Summer Challenge Journey! Wow! I hadn’t realized how much body shame I still had within me. Sad to say it, but not ashamed to talk about it, my legs are maybe the hardest for me to show. I was a tomboy as a kid and never went out of my way to show my legs since bruises and scrapes were the norm, even into my teens.

Saturday night My husband and BFF went to see another BFF in a play called “Shakespeare 3 Ways” in San Jose, CA. I attempted a nap when I got home from work, but it just wasn’t gonna happen. The outside noise and an excited puppy in the house just wasn’t letting me have the peace I needed. No worries, I was excited to go and laid on the bed thinking of what to wear. Well, what I imagined would be funky and fabulous turned out not to work at all. So, I went with the old $15 Avenue dress made famous by Lesley Kinzel of Fatshionista.com I’ve worn it twice now, but hadn’t previously done so without leggings and not out and about in such a very public way.

I hand’t realized how much of my legs I was showing until we were walking to the car and the breeze decided to give me a hard time. This dress, yo, is very lightweight and cottony and delightful, but a breeze makes it go all over. Yes, I had black biker shorts underneath for the prevention of the chub-rub we all know and love (NOT). I was still so very conscious of how much of my legs were there for all to see. YIKES! I questioned weather or not my friend and husband would hate me if I made a dash back upstairs and to the comfort of my usual t-shirt & jeans…but chose to brave it!

We had dinner and were nearly too late for the show. But we made it with 5 minutes to spare. The show was delightful, my friend Jery of Theactorvist.com dazzled all in attendance as did his co-stars. Just lovely! I was also delighted to see a fattie intro the show. She seemed so not self-conscious, too. Made me smile! And as we were leaving after ward she even complimented my dress!  Very nice gal.

I admit that I was seriously struggling with this whole showing my legs thing (and worse, MY KNEES). When I mentioned it to my husband he seemed surprised but said I looked great and not to worry. Glad my terror wasn’t showing! It was eye opening for me though. That such a simple and seemingly harmless act could put me in such a scary head space. But I did it, dammit! And here I am, posting it for you to all gander at. *sigh*

This pic was taken at the end of the evening, around 1:30 am after my good friends left. I was so tired by night’s end. Also, my back was killing me from my long day’s work and evening’s events. Ugh! What can I say? So, I consider this a big step for me and my BFSC adventures. I should have more coming by week’s end and will hopefully get my list done in time to enter the contest. If not I am thankful that you all have been reading and following me in this. I do it for the fatties who can’t or don’t or won’t for whatever their own personal reasons. But I do it so that they know they are not alone as I know I am not alone. To be publicly fat is at times a very scary thing. But for me, not doing so is worse.

I hold my head high despite my own shame. I keep it in my figurative pocket and save it for later so that I may enjoy the moment and perhaps learn from facing this fear. I am determined to make things like this easier for myself and my husband. I want to feel more confident the next time I wear this dress. I will now, too.

Thank you for reading and please, leave a comment! I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject and anything else you might share. 

Some fluff, thoughts and even some neat-o stuff I thought would be of use:

I really liked this article about conversational phrases. Go beyond the usual chit-chat!

http://yahoo.match.com/y/article.aspx?articleid=5338&TrackingID=526103&BannerID=68352

While I cannot stand the word they use in this article “Obesogens” there are some useful facts about chemicals in food:
(Trigger warning: mentions weight loss, dieting and other related talk)

http://shine.yahoo.com/event/loveyourbody/why-you-cant-lose-those-last-10-pounds-1964849/

12 things retailers do to get us to spend more, more and more:

http://shine.yahoo.com/event/financiallyfit/12-spending-schemes-we-fall-for-2029497/

9 myths & facts about lightening!

http://green.yahoo.com/blog/the_conscious_consumer/143/nine-myths-and-facts-about-lightning.html

Brain teasers and optical illusions:

http://videogames.yahoo.com/events/brain-teasers/brain-teasers-and-optical-illusions/1400154

2011 Betty White calendar to benefit Morris Animal Foundation: I LOVE IT

http://www.stylelist.com/2010/07/08/betty-white-calendar-2011/

Adipositivity = Fabulous!

http://adipositivity.phototage.com/archives/9478_1745602162/348037

This one makes me completely unable to stop smiling:

http://adipositivity.phototage.com/archives/9478_1745602162/347764

This blog makes me daydream:

http://ohjoy.blogs.com/

This blog makes me giddy for a new project:

http://ikeahacker.blogspot.com/

Oh the possibilities!!!

This is terrible, awesome, funny and creepy:

What are your plans for this weekend? Are you happy it’s Friday? I have to work tomorrow, but still plan on enjoying my Friday this evening. Woot for the weekend!  =0)

“Pinhole” lens                        “Fish-eye” lens

“Drawing” lens

The babies! Hover-cat & Melty-pup!

It seems a lot of fatties have the same fears. I wanted to address this in a way that won’t get too serious and scary, but to just sort of start a discussion (Please feel free to comment).
I will admit to having to face my own fears in life. Spiders, for instance no longer bring out the scream and run reaction that they used to (I’m a big relocator of insects). Having gotten over this fear I realized that perhaps some of my other fears would be easily approached as well.

After beginning the Big Fat Summer Challenge I had to face some of my own fears. Going sleeveless in public was huge for me. I know I don’t seem it here, but I can be a very shy gal sometimes. I can also be a big mouth, but that’s a topic for another day. I had originally planned to wear a different strapless dress than the one I posted on this blog, but it was too big for me and it seems that the one I went with in the end worked out perfectly. I did bring a wrap, but only because the evening breeze in the East Bay can be unpredictable, and it ended up being quite chilly out.

A few years ago my husband and I took a vacation in Hawaii. On the travel site I booked it through there was mention of a helicopter tour of Maui. I really wanted to do it, but I was terrified of heights. Airplanes are still tough for me even after years of business travel. So a helicopter? Yikes! But I saw it as the perfect opportunity to tackle a fear of mine. But then another fear arose: they weigh each passenger before boarding! OH NO! I didn’t know how much I weighed at the time, but knew I weighed more than whatever their limitations were. So I emailed the company, swallowing my pride, and explained my situation. They were pretty cool about it actually, but I did have to buy another seat. My husband was very supportive and excited for our tour. I also posted to fatshionista on LiveJournal to get a feel for what other aftties might do in my shoes. They, too were very supportive and encouraged me to go for it.

Well, you would have thought I’d have been a mess, but I was cool. I was a touch nervous, but who wouldn’t be? So, we boarded and I had to sit in the back with these two older ladies and my husband sat in front with the pilot. It was amazing and beautiful! I didn’t get sick or freak out. I had the time of my life! My poor husband however got very motion sick and was not a happy camper. But he did get some great photos! Ha-ha!

I guess my point is that we share fears as humans, but as fatties well, there’s just a lot more for us to fear in the world. Not just going sleeveless or wearing shorts. But doing these things in public is tough! And the beach seems so much more scary when you’re fat. Not just because of the bathing suits/shorts situation, but you’re out there, exposed for everyone to see/judge/appraise. YIKES! I get it! That is one thing I have struggled with, too. Not to mention the squishies and creatures one encounters while swimming in the ocean (although in Maui I managed far better than here in Cali). And then there’s sand! Oh sand, you seem so benign! But you are such a foe to those with extra flesh and folds. Even between my toes I don’t like sand. I pretty much hate friction I guess is the bottom line. Ha!

As far as I feel that I have come in accepting myself, my size, my body, my shape, my pale skin…I still have those moments when my breath catches in my throat and I am not sure that I will survive whatever moment that has caused this reaction. Sometimes I am fully clothed and am hitting up a bar with some friends and suddenly twenty frat guys walk in rowdy and ready for confrontation. CRINGE!

Walking my sweet little pup each evening past oh so many beatiful houses in my neighborhood (I live in an apartment), I never know what I will encounter. Sometimes a car may pass by and shout at me or the wonderful time this woman screamed at me for five minutes about my pup pooping on her non-lawn (I was picking it up before she even pulled up) and continued to scream “Fat Ass Bitch” at me even though I was speaking calmly and rationally.

You cannot control the outside world. You cannot control your instinctual reactions. But you can control some things. Like when that woman was screaming at me and I smiled, took a deep breath and explained that I had already picked up the poop and showed it to her. Yes, I wanted to smear it in her face, but I’d rather not go to jail at the moment. When she was threatening me and sounding like a howler monkey I simply told her, “If you would like to talk to me like an adult, I am right here and I will talk to you.” (she was about 50 years old mind you.)

I think having that calm confidence is a great self-defense weapon. People don’t expect that from fatties. They expect us to cry and hide and be fearful. I’m not saying at all that we should use violence or anything like that. I am simply saying that sometimes it is so much better for ourselves to not even care what they think/say.

What are your fears as a fattie or non-fattie? Do you avoid certain activities or things because of a fear? I want to know all about it! Thanks for reading.