I used to write poetry, like all of the time…but only when I was depressed, which was all of the time. I felt that depression gave me something to write about. It fueled my writing and me and gave me something to do. I think too much as a default, so writing things out helps anyway. But just now while trying to figure out what to write about today I realized it’s been such a struggle lately because I’ve been depressed. What? I know! Funny how things can switch on you without notice like that, eh? But it’s true. What was once a constant source of inspiration has been left in the dust.

I was a very depressed person in my teens and early 20′s. Specifically, the most concentrated bit at least, when I was 19 transitioning into 20. My friend Steph could tell you all about it, poor thing, she was right there with me everyday almost, back then. We lived on Lean Cuisines and Jose Cuervo. We did a lot of stupid shit and had a great time doing it. But I would always go home in a pit of despair, she always seemed able to keep the spice of life at hand and ready for  more. I was such a sad thing that I got a very regrettable tattoo. I have it to this day and while I want to cover it, part of me feels like it represents a time of my life that I shouldn’t want to forget. And I don’t think I want to forget it anymore.

Now I find that if I’m down or fully depressed, I can’t write for my wonderful readers. It’s not fair to them. It’s not giving them my truest me or the goodness that they give me back. Basically, I’ve suddenly lost my inspiration for writing. It bums me out even more, but I know this isn’t productive so I’m trying to lift myself out of this. I mean, we’re all struggling right now. I don’t  know anyone who isn’t. And while I am mega-struggling financially, emotionally I need to make myself a priority. We all should do this, yo!  Self-care is so vital, I say it all of the damned time. Ha-ha!

But then I was thinking the other day of doing a video series or a photo series of some sort. It was late at night and when I woke up I couldn’t remember what the subject/goal was supposed to be. Ack!  I hate when you get great ideas when you’re just trying to go to sleep. I always feel like if I get up to write it down I won’t ever fall asleep and so I never do.  Oh well. I guess if it’s that awesome it’ll come back to me. Fingers crossed!

What would you like to read/watch/see? I feel like I’m in this huge transitional phase and can do whatever the hell I want with my life and this blog and so why not dive in…but the endless possibilities are stifling. I need your input. You have all been so there for me, through all of my crazy-cafe years and beyond. I will write or record or photograph whatever you wish, my lovelies. You mean so much to me, I just need a little push in the right direction. I’m very open to guest posts, too!  Just hit me up! My email: notblueatall@notblueatall.com

And here is me today, raw and natural and without any alteration, fresh from the shower, the real and true me:

Thank you all for being your authentic selves with me, too. You mean the world to me. Thank you!

@

*Yeah, this one’s about Rosie O’Donnell, too, so if you’re not interested, I do understand. I will be blogging about fat things more next week, promise.

Watching last night’s episode of the Rosie Show, with Lisa Kudrow as her guest, pissed me right the hell off. At the beginning of the show she brings on this wisp of a man model and insists he’s “not the bad kind of skinny.” Then coming back from a commercial break she makes a big friggin’ deal about some weight loss bullshit and now I’m just mad and annoyed. I am beginning to think that Rosie will get up and cheer for just about any old thing…I don’t know why this surprises me so.

“We are kicking off a brand spanking new weight loss program today called “______ ____ ___”. Listen to this, so the people of “______ ____ ___” have signed on a smokin’ hot celebrity who lost a lot of weight on this plan but I can’t tell you who it is, I’ve been sworn to secrecy. —-You’ll get the exclusive on November 8th. —We’ve enlisted 25 women to start the program, they’re right here in ____ shirts. They got free “______ ____ ___” meals today and for the next 28 days. Plus, one on one help from a “slimoglogist” –which I didn’t even know they had that–We’ve got all of these women coming back and on November 7th They’re going to walk through and they’re going to be…thinner. And then the celebrity is gonna walk through and they’re all gonna hug.—”

And then she goes right back to another commercial break and I’m like what the fucking hell?! She starts off with “not the bad kind of skinny” and ends with a new weight loss plan…mind you she did not refer to herself in any way shape or form when talking about this program/plan/bullshit. And then I jump online to write this post and a commenter mentions how Rosie has always been everyone’s cheerleader. That she will be SO EXCITED for basically whomever is in front of her or people like or in some way could help her show. UGH!

Well, if she is going to be SO EXCITED for everyone ever, then I suppose it’s not such a bad thing. She is human after all. Certainly there are corporate sponsors to worry about. Oprah’s approval, too, no doubt. I just felt like this was going to be the real Rosie show, ya know?

C’mon Rosie! You’re better than this! This is YOUR show now, right? I mean, I love what you said about being proud and standing up for yourself and not wearing spanx that first night…and now this? I’m glad you’re not shilling for some weight loss garbage. At least not directly, your show is, as a host you are, but you’re not on the diet so whatever. I just want you to know that this back and forth on the body hate stuff…it’s damaging to all of us. Remember the “It Gets Better” anti-bullying campaign? Well, you know then how kids can be affected by a stigma. A stigma so deeply rooted in our society that their lives are threatened. That they are denied health care! Based on a damned stigma!!! Not fact! That they are harassed and encouraged to do so by almost the entire fucking world!!!

So think about it, and maybe consider ending the body judging comments all together. You can love yourself, too…just as you are, right now! Celebrity or no, you can let go of the societal pressure and bullshit body hate that only one industry truly benefits from: the 64 billion dollar diet industry! The rest of us lay in ruins in its wake of cash and empty protein shake bottles. Our self esteem still smoking from the last “diet” we all tried. Those fake statistics we all bought as fact…it’s all bullshit and deep down you have to know it is. You have to know it isn’t right. There is a better way. Self acceptance, self love, ending the self hate, ending the judging all together…that is the way, man. I can tell you that for sure! Nothing bad has ever come from loving and accepting yourself. And what a fabulously positive message to give to your audience and the world?! You are a brave and proud woman, I know you can do this!

Thanks for reading. <3

After now watching a couple of more episodes of Rosie O’Donnell’s new show I am not so sure she is self-accepting or representing us fatties. The second episode featured Wanda Sykes and Gloria Estefan. I love Wanda like nobody’s business. She is such an amazing woman and hilarious to boot! And I was just saying the other day, “I wonder what Gloria Estefan is doing right now?” I’m random like that…did you just get here? Ha-ha! But seriously, Gloria was talking with Rosie and insisting that she will teach her to wear Spanx and Rosie seemed very enthusiastic. While I disagree with Ms. Estefan’s insistance that they add protection when using public restrooms <she said you don’t need a toilet seat protector when you wear the kind with snaps in the crotch which I find disgusting because then you’re just absorbing whatever’s on that seat onto your Spanx. Ugh!> but the fact that Rosie sounds excites pissed me right off. The previous episode NOT wearing Spanx was something she was proud of and stood up for. Was she just being nice? Ugh! In that same episode, during her opening stand-up, she began taking questions from the audience who asked what would be her own Ben and Jerry’s creation. To which she said it already existed and it’s “Chubby Hubby” and how “that’s not great for my diet.” WTF?!

In last night’s episode <I’m watching them after my husband goes to bed>, Roseanne Barr was her guest and damn do I love her, too! And she looked amazing! She tells it like it is, always. That is what I aspire to be, man. Just straight up honest, no matter the audience. It’s liberating! And fortunately there was no fat talk what so ever. There was menopause talk, which I think is great because it’s still such a taboo topic which is hella bullshit, but Rosie and Roseanne now use the bio-identical, plant derived, hormone cream. I don’t know enough to have an opinion on the subject, but I like that they talked about it. Oh, but in the opening Rosie was talking about Chaz Bono’s performance on Dancing With The Stars, saying how fit he is and how he ran up these stairs in the performance and how she could never do that, “I’m not fit” she said plainly. I find this interesting because Chaz appears to be bigger than Rosie. Rosie thinks Chaz is more fit than she. It’s a tiny hint of radical in it’s way. To say a fat body can be fit! It can! But it’s rare to hear that on television.

What bothers me now is Rosie’s outfits. It may be a comfort thing for her, it may be a pressure to cover up thing, I don’t know, but the shapeless black swaths of fabric she’s been wearing are bumming me out. Look, I get it, she is a mom of four and if not for having to appear in front of cameras would be a lovely butch in a t-shirt, jeans and crocs. I prefer her this way. She seems more truly herself. So, why not incorporate some of those elements into her wardrobe for the show? You may think this tacky, but I think you can get pretty fucking creative with that shit. Look at Ellen! She’s not into getting all glammed up, but she’s found a way to work her wardrobe to her taste and still be presentable and herself. I want to see this in Rosie’s wardrobe. She’s too great a person to be hiding behind such ugly fashions. I think some indie designers could tackle this and knock her socks off, and mine! Allow her to be comfortable with just a touch of something to step up the look. Not all fat gals can accessorize, mind you, but I think she’s got a staff for that shit, right?!

I am disappointed on the fatty front. I will keep watching though. I want to see how her show evolves as there are bound to be changes. She reads her reviews and celebrates, very openly, the positive ones. I’ve said little about the show itself, mostly because I like it. I am not so into her Game Show bits at the end, but I’m not turning them off either. So something must be right. I love her band and it’s leader/vocalist Katrice. She wrote “Dick in a Box!” The show is good. I just wish she’d end the body hate and just own her glorious fat body. She seems to appreciate and celebrate all people, I hope she can soon find a way to love herself, just as she is, right now. Fat, fabulous and funny!

I’m an avid eBayer and have been for, well, ages. It is my go-to for things I want/need but can’t pay full retail for. I have no problem buying used items most of the time and I was looking for some new lingerie on eBay and was somewhat surprised with what I found. While I understand that some find “foundation garments” to be necessary while others will recoil at their mention, I am not talking about Spanx here, peeps…Nope, I’m talking old school.

I saw everything from panty girdles and waist cinchers to full body shapers and panties with booty inserts. The full spectrum of body shame lay within these “foundations” and while my personal experience with them is limited, my view of them is that of body hate incarnate. I just can’t see it any other way. These contraptions are damaging to the body and the mind. Most of these things were new…with tags! these are no anciet relics, unearthed from bowels of grannies basements, no these are still manufactured TODAY! And all I gotta say is: WHAT THE HELL?!

I had in my mind an image of sexy lingerie for fatties. Satin and lace and frilly little numbers, peek-a-boo whatever and ruffly booty shorts. Those were there, don’t get me wrong, but what I couldn’t shake were the “longline” “full-body” and “power shapers”…Power? UGH!! Some of these things, I wouldn’t even know how to get into, let alone out of. Hooks, snaps, straps and all manner of man made materials, all in the name of “I must not appear fat!”

And can I just say that I never want to hear or see the word “Flattering” ever again?! It’s just fucking code for not fat!! I am over that shit like WHOA! I know we’re a rare and fabulous bunch to be so self accepting and to use and love the word FAT, but it makes it that much harder when faced with the old bullshit baggage of yore.  Also, it is perfectly fine and acceptable, in my opinion, to add touches of lingerie to your wardrobe…that you would wear out of the house! It is, it’s fine and it’s fun!

I think the point of trying to look sexy is to just own it! If you feel sexy, you will be, no matter what you are wearing. No one embodies this more than my gorgeous and lovely friend Virgie Tovar! She is sexy. She makes you feel sexy just talking to her. She pushed the envelope and the boundaries that say fat cannot be sexy. Fuck that shit! We can all be sexy, if we want to be. There is the bottom line, if you want to. If you don’t, no worries. Keep on keepin’ on! But if you do? Go for it! Be it!

I adore this article Virgie wrote for The Sex Positive Photo Project! It’s almost all text, but the ads are not safe for work, or the text for that matter. But I love how she sees fats as anarchists and revolutionaries. I know it took me a long time to see how things like Burlesque could be political and not just fun or sexual. Sexuality itself is political and my view of my own sexuality has absolutely evolved since becoming involved and in love with fat liberation/acceptance. Not once does she mention having to smooth or shape or cinch in order to fit an ideal. Because that is some heavy bullshit. I can be dead sexy without a thread on my body, why the hell buy some horrific contraption to appear as something you’re not? You don’t have to and you shouldn’t. Just be you! You’re fabulous!!!

After watching Ken Burns’ PBS series “Prohibition”  this week (three parts, each two hours – you can watch online at the link), it is no small wonder to me how anyone could see the similarities between the 1920′s and now. I would venture that every era, every generation has some social swell of some specific issue or struggle to address and/or overcome. Why, right now, we’ve got a tome’s worth! I am thinking about our social climate. Our financial struggles. The environment. Our prison industrial complex. So many things all going down those proverbial tubes. We’re all scratching our heads, clenching our fists, muffling our sobs and hoping beyond all reasonable hope that something will give, something will improve…it has to!

Prohibition began as a moral movement. Basically, how I took it, was a religious/conservative group gathered and organized on the platform that alcohol consumption led to corruption, prostitution, spousal abuse and other criminal activities. They believed the only solution was to prohibit, enforce and criminalize alcohol in all of its many forms. Does this sound familiar? No? Okay, consider for a moment the bootlegging that took the place of saloons and brewers. Many people died as a direct result of the illicit ways people got and distributed the booze. Think of the doctors prescribing whiskey as medicine, if you knew the right doctor that is, medicinal use being legal even after the nationwide ban on alcohol. Yet the consumption of alcohol itself wasn’t technically illegal. In fact you could make your own wines at home as many families did back then.

Many saw prohibition as a direct attack on immigrants who held fast to their cultures and rituals and often saw nothing at all wrong with alcohol. Suddenly self-appointed rabbis of any background were enjoying their own private supply as this, due to its religious significance, was also still legal. Soon petty thieves found themselves knee-deep in opportunity and flush with loads of cash for any and all liquor they could get their hands on. With this money came power they hadn’t the conscience nor education to put to good use (my opinion mind you). And basically, all hell broke loose! Speakeasies were raided, people were killed in clumsy displays of not in my backyard and many were jailed for periods far outweighing their crimes.

Sound familiar yet? Okay, let me put it this way, there are a lot of problems we currently have in this country. Many of these same problems were happening back in the twenties, too. The solution for the lack of jobs, floundering economy, a country overcome by unemployment and despair: end prohibition! How did they do it after such a long and successful battle by those who sought to turn this country into some sort of moral compass for the world? They found the right woman for the job! She had money, connections, charisma, power and above all else, she was fearless!

Right now we could fix a lot of our problems both environmental and economic. We need sustainable products to replace things like cotton, paper, oils, etc…we need to create jobs and fast…we need new revenue to get our deficit down and our economy flowing again! The solution: end prohibition…of cannabis!!! Think about it, it got its bad name and reputation because of a certain media mogul of those same roaring twenties: William Randolph Hearst! Hemp threatened his empire and so he sought to destroy it and whoa did he?! This may be my lay person’s grasp of it, but he did more than just destroy the industry itself. What he did (or eventually happened) was outright demonize not just hemp but cannabis itself in all of its various forms and uses.

There in lies the problem. Our prohibition of cannabis has turned petty crooks into power hungry lunatics. Ordinary citizens into life-sentence-serving prisoners thanks to steep drug laws, ravenous politicians and corrupt law enforcement and judges…not to mention California’s three strikes law. Ugh! That needs to be repealed, man. By ending prohibition on cannabis and repealing all laws to restrict, enforce, criminalize, stigmatize and whatever else they’ve chosen to throw at us, we could actually improve our entire socioeconomic situation!

New taxes! State-run dispensaries! Safer access! Hemp fiber industry jobs! We could actually bring manufacturing back to the USA with hemp. We could corner the market and find new ways to use the stuff. My husband was just telling me about the dire situation every winter in the colder parts of our country where senior citizens are forced to choose between heating oil and other necessities due to the endless rate hikes in oil. Hemp seed oil would be so much cheaper! Hemp is stronger than cotton, too. My grandpa had an old hemp rope that seemed a thousand years old. Ha-ha!

After watching the final installment of “Prohibition” last night I told my husband that what was needed to end the prohibition of cannabis was the right person to represent the movement. Someone with charisma and power. Someone well-connected and hopefully with lots of money! Someone who understood the impact and improvements possible with its repeal. I don’t know who that person could be, but I do believe that this simple thing could truly help us as a nation. If we can just step away from the stigma of it and focus on the hard facts, I think it could make a real difference.

I know that this post has absolutely nothing to do with fat, but it was on my mind in a big way. I spent the first part of this week very depressed. I’m not sure I’m out of it completely yet, certainly the police activity in my area has not been great for my anxiety and paranoia, but part of it is absolutely the economy and how it has ravaged my life and those I love. The arguments against cannabis are preposterous, absurd and full of stereotypes and stigma. I have yet to actually meet a person who is anti-cannabis. Even people who have never used it recreationally (as a drug or whatever) still understand its many varied and great uses and how it could improve our economy. It is something I believe in made all the more clear thanks to Ken Burns and his fabulous documentary series. I admit that I have always felt a deep connection to the prohibition era and it will always be an important era in my heart and mind. But that my lovelies is a post for another day…

Thank you for reading. Do share your thoughts on the topic. I would love to hear your suggestions, too. Take care of YOU!

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