NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Fitting in Amongst the Misfits

April16
I’m in a lot of fat groups on facebook. It’s one of the main reasons why I haven’t left FB all together. The groups I participate in run the gamut of fashion, fatness, activism, feminism, queerness, sex, love, science, art…you name it! Each group has their own set of rules, most of which boils down to: don’t be an oppressive jerk. Even groups that are not fat specific will have rules against body comments or shaming of any kind.
I’ve been writing about my own fat life for over ten years here on this blog-a-ma-thing. Before I took the plunge of starting my own blog, I read so many others! I loved them, too, though most are now defunct. It all felt so exciting and new and thrilling when I first happened upon fat acceptance back in ’05. I wanted to shout from the rooftops and tell every person I encountered that they don’t have to live with that oppressive way of thinking any more! Ha-ha!
I made my own mistakes, too. My passion would overwhelm my reason and I would say something or frame it in such a way that would rub others, more in the know than myself, wrong. Especially on any of the LiveJournal blogs and groups I was in at the time, they also had their own sets of rules and what was not okay to say in a post, and for good reason. We get this oppressive messaging literally everywhere else in the world, we didn’t need it in our “safe space” as well!
Over time these things become reflexive and we can forget our own first few stumbles along the way. I was reminded of this today in a group I enjoy because someone posted for the first time and instantly broke the rules of that group. The thing is, the group is for misfits. This isn’t a group for your plus size instagram models. This is for the offbeat, the dark, the weird, and those who don’t fit in elsewhere. So, I understand their initial confusion when others instructed them to read the rules before posting in the group or at the very least add a trigger or content warning. Instead they did what so many newbies do, they protest and rebel. They also didn’t know there were any rules to speak of.
When I commented that their mention of “progress” of recent intentional weight loss was something that would be rewarded literally everywhere else and that fat people live with that oppression constantly, others chimed in with their knee-jerk congratulations. UGH! I understand wanting to be compassionate, but there was some harmful and triggering language and many commented saying so as well. But I noticed that while they were seeking reinforcement, that they also admitted, at length, how they were full of self hate on the inside.
When I read further down the thread of comments and the poster’s responses it became apparent to me that they were lost and simply seeking connection and advice. That is when I got it and understood exactly where they were at in their own self acceptance journey and I could relate and connect with that easily. When I went to comment I got an error message that the post had been taken down. They didn’t have to delete it, only edit to add the trigger/content warning. So I direct messaged them what I had tried to submit as a comment:

I don’t know that they will read/see my advice. Maybe it came off too harsh. I can be too blunt at times, but I also know that we need that voice in the darkness sometimes. We need someone to call us out on our own bullshit. We can get so confused and caught up in it all that we can absolutely forget to just sit and be with our feelings. It’s a valuable thing to do, don’t discount it. They were much younger than I, but already on the right path towards acceptance. If only they could let go of the voice of the oppressor in their own head. I feel that, deeply.
How hard it is to break up with those old ways and thoughts and truly start anew! To not just understand but to know that your life and your future is in your own hands, to be designed and decided upon as you see fit…right now! Not some far off distant future. You cannot get there though by stepping on others. When you harm others you carry that with you forever, whether you’re aware or not.
So, okay, the “how” part…First, stop lying. Stop lying to yourself that being smaller feels better when you know it doesn’t. Stop trying to be the “good fatty” always trying to fit in when the world won’t make room for you no matter what size you are or aren’t. Stop throwing other fatties (bigger/smaller/in general) under the bus so that you can get brownie points from straight-sized folks! Stop lying in general about anything and everything, to yourself, about yourself, to others and about others. Just stop! This alone will get you on the right path towards authenticity!
Yes, to be authentically oneself is something that is undeniable. To shut out the gross voices in our heads, or in our lives, and to finally walk a path of our own making. You hear that? No? Oh, that’s the sound of my own personal horn section warming up. They get going any time I am about to leave the house. What? The world needs a heads up! I am unstoppable, so long as I stay true to me! The same could be said of you! Give it a spin, couldn’t hurt!
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Health is Wealth – FML

May10

Content Warning: I mention and use images to discuss and take apart the things people attribute to being healthy or unhealthy, I do not believe these things as I explain below. My use of said images is meant to be sarcastic and in no way promotes this toxic bullshit, I assure you.

Image result for health

WHO THOUGHT THIS BS UP?! IT’S TERRIBLE! STOP!!!

“Health is wealth, and I’m broke, so that’s all I’m after! Ha-ha!” he said with a hearty chuckle after no less than three people stood around my desk talking about their individual and collective weight loss successes and how they each achieved it in different ways. I wanted to growl at them, loudly. There’s no use in reasoning with people like this. The one with manners then apologized to me for being so distracting. If only they knew how absolutely full of shit each of them truly is! Ha-ha! The “Health is wealth” one admitted they no longer eat dinner and only half the lunch portion they used to consume. The classier of the three gets just shy of evangelizing, “Keto! You either know it or you don’t, but once you start you’ll never want to stop, it’s brilliant!” It was all I could do to pretend to ignore the entire conversation just feet away from me. Internally I may have rolled my eyes so hard the southern hemisphere rippled. (Also, none of these three has ever been fat a day in their lives!)

Health is wealth is the biggest piece of shit thing to say that I’ve heard in awhile! And that’s saying a lot, it’s not like any of us can avoid what our current president says every fucking day! But Health is Wealth is so classist it’s anger inducing and that doesn’t even get into the rest of the ball of bullshit wrapped up in that phrase. So let’s shred it, shall we? Let’s!
Image result for health
SUCH BULLSHIT!
Health: Is not what most of us think it is. It’s not a destination. It’s not something you can put your finger on. It’s not something you get to choose from a list of options. Many people are born with health issues/concerns, they never get to say “Health is Wealth” and that’s even if they get the best treatment there is. Health is more of a buzzword than anything with any actual meaning now days. I hear it so much every fucking day, “Oh that’s not healthy dude!” or “Look at me being healthy!” it’s not a verb, it’s not an adjective and it’s certainly not wealth in any sort of way that matters to me. It’s so aggravating and I do push back, a lot. It’s meaningless. You can slap the word healthy on anything these days and no one questions it. It is a noun: the state of being free from illness or injury. See, nothing to do with food whatsoever!
Food in and of itself is neither healthy or unhealthy, no matter what food it is or how it is prepared. It’s an inanimate object! That’s it! There’s no good or bad, no healthy or unhealthy, it’s just food. You either eat it or you don’t. I’ve had enough conversations about this that I am usually ready to explain myself because I am always questioned by the “healther” I’ll call them, or those that proselytize “health” as something we must all strive for constantly with our every waking breath! Fuck that!
Image result for sugar heroin
FAKE AS FUCK!
Very recently I was at a professional networking event and there were vendors giving samples and informational brochures about their products and services. There was one vendor I had been emailing with and had even scheduled a call to discuss how they might fit my current employer’s needs. But when I got up to the table to talk to the guy and introduce myself I very quickly saw that their entire marketing platform was built on the demonization of sugar consumption. That eye roll thing happened again, but I introduced myself anyway. And then I asked if this was their only marketing strategy currently. He never actually answered that question, but very quickly jumped to the, “It’s as addictive as heroin!” garbage and I asked why he was quoting an article on a study that was published over six years ago and has since been proven to be speculative bullshit. (It hits the same reward centers of the brain, so do likes on social media, there is no evidence of actual addiction to sugar). He insisted it was true and absolute. I asked him who paid for the study and how that information corrupts “results”. He didn’t know. I told him to follow the money. I told him that the American Medical Associate is funded in part by the beef and dairy council, he responded with, “Well, sure, if you look into something enough you’re gonna find something!” which was my point exactly. Their table was set up with samples of snack items with comparable brands and beside each were stacks of sugar cubes representing in grams what each serving size would be. He finally pressed, “Fine, what is healthy to you?!” and I said what I always say, “It’s our behavior, not food, it’s what we do with it. Life should be full of variety and moderation in most things. That’s it!” he had nothing to say to that. We both said we’d schedule that call, and neither of us have. Fuck him and his bullshit company.
I run the food and beverage program for a tech start up in silicon valley as the office manager. I have run many food programs for startups in the area. I’ve owned and operated my own restaurant. I’m food safety certified and a genuine food/nutrition nerd. I know more about this stuff than most folks, sadly and often, more than medical doctors, too. The average MD gets approximately 40 hours of nutritional education. I’ve had far more by leaps and bounds than 40 hours! I have read countless books, guides, workshops, you name it! Knowing the science about food was an eye opener and a game changer for me. Having people close to me with severe and “bizarre” allergies (or so doctor’s told them) taught me a lot, too. I have seen people destroy their lives over their food choices. My own food choices have created problems in my personal relationships in the past. The more you know the more informed decisions you can make for yourself. That is really all I am ever talking about here, autonomy! It’s a beautiful thing!
Because I run the food program for my company I am well accustomed and attuned to people’s “feedback” about the options we have on offer on any given day. 98% of this “feedback” is full of bullshit buzzwords that are so meaningless you can actually see the fear growing in their eyes as I open my mouth to ask them to clarify or provide more detail. Ha-ha! It tickles me sometimes, other times it’s down right triggering and fucking depressing. These are grown ass adults getting paid a fuck ton of money to do a job in one of the hottest markets in the country and yet they never bother to question what they are putting in their mouths (or heads for that matter), but they love to question me about it daily. I’m tough, I can take it, and I have a great work bff and personal support system in place when I need it. Not everyone does, though, and to me that’s the real trouble. They shame and blame others, they shame and blame themselves, never realizing that it’s all made up! No doubt this has caused many eating disorders and body image issues the world over. But please, let’s all continue to blame fat people for everything! Ha-ha!
Image result for health
NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON HERE. STAY AWAY GERMS, OR SOMETHING!
Also, fuck health! I live with old and recurring injuries. While I have no on-going health issues, the very size of my body is so often pathologized that I know to fast before going to any doctor’s appointment, even if it’s just a pap smear or a cold, because they take one look at me and send me for a fasting glucose test (obv fat = diabetes y’all, duh! – NOT!!! And that is not how that works!). It’s fucking everywhere, this toxic bullshit mentality. I want to punch it in the face! I know, I know, “it” doesn’t have a face. But it IS destroying us and our “health”! I hope that we can all trust in ourselves and our bodies to do and know what is right, and to seek solid information to better inform our decisions. If you haven’t already read it, I cannot recommend enough the book Health At Every Size by Dr. Linda Bacon, it was such an eye opener for me and showed me the ways in which we are taught to not trust our own bodies and minds. To me this is such a tragedy. I hope we can one day find ourselves not even talking about food and health in these ways.
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I need to get back into posting there: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

posted under Bullshit, Buzz, fat, Food | No Comments »

You Do Not Have To Remain Calm

January5

I saw the above image with the text, “2018 Goal: Stay calm in all situations.” and I was immediately irritated! Ha-ha! I’m sure the intention of the text isn’t for us to aspire to be emotionally stoic robots, but damn if it didn’t feel that way at first encounter. It reminded me right away of a time when I worked for one of the largest and most worshipped tech companies in the world. I was on a lunch break in my usual dark corner of the cafeteria and had received a text message with sad news. I usually read a book while eating, so I’m sure my facial expressions were ever changing. The following day I was lectured for 45 minutes by my immediate supervisor for looking sad and was instructed to compartmentalize and to never appear emotional at all ever. UGH! Infuriating!

I’ve often gotten into hot water in work situations for caring “too much”, but I now see it as an asset. My intuition has steered me clear of many of life’s pitfalls, though certainly not all. People trust me and come to me for a variety of reasons, but my honesty and compassion are usually at the top of any list. It is difficult to remain honest and empathetic, let alone compassionate, in a large corporation or your typical office politics filled environment, but it is why I am so good at what I do. I wear all the hats, help anyone who needs it, and make things happen! After wrapping up my ninth phone interview for the week (whew!) I have had to talk about this and myself so much that it no longer feels like a sales pitch (yuck). It’s not bragging if it’s true, if it’s your actual reputation, and you can back it up in a heartbeat.

What about when the shit hits the fan? What about when your personal or professional life is falling apart? What about when you lose someone? What about mental health issues? You have no obligation to remain calm in the face of personal or professional tragedy. You do not have to be the calm face of serenity when life throws a bushel of bullshit in your face. You just don’t! You’re a multi-faceted individual, not a robot! People fear emotions because they feel the need to be in constant control, that’s not realistic. It’s certainly nowhere near an authentic existence. We should be supporting each other instead of shaming one another. Ugh!

The very concept of being expected to hold it all together, to appear calm in the face of danger or dramatic life shifts, is just wrong! Our brains are wired by nature and our environment. When it reacts to something in our world that brings about emotion, we should be paying attention, not tamping it all down or bottling it up. That is a recipe for eventual disaster! Our brains and bodies react to stress to ensure our survival. It’s not about appearing weak or unprofessional (fuck that!), it’s about finding the power and strength in our vulnerability and persevering in the face of life’s roadblocks.

 

“It’s okay not to be okay” was such a tough lesson for me to learn. It’s no coincidence who first brought that phrase and song into my life, as it was my dance partner, Tigress. I had been let go from yet another job and facing this new and scary thing that was our first dance performance. It was the first time I’d be on a stage in 17 years! I was fucking terrified! Tigress got it, but she insisted that it was okay and you can just be not okay when you need to. Hearing that was such a game changer! We chose that song by Jesse J for our first performance and we’ve been performing for over five years together now. Her friendship continues to broaden, inspire, and bring so much goodness into my life.

I was talking with my BFF about some major life changes they’ve been working through. They’re moving to another state and leaving their job. We have supported each other through so much in life, though we live so far apart. We’ve been there to cheer each other on through moves and divorces, breakdowns and health crisis, but at every turn, it just never feels easier. And ya know, it doesn’t necessarily have to, either. They were powering through but feeling that depression would soon seep in and I just knew exactly what they meant. My response?

“Sometimes, when depression is tapping me on the shoulder, I’m just like, ‘Hey dude, what’s new?!’ and kind of just fucking embrace it like an old, holey sweater. Sometimes it’s just easier and almost helps me get through in a weird way.”

“This is why I love you! LOL” They replied

“Probably the worst advice ever.” I said

“Nah” they said

“New big shit is hard. Depression is familair and I can navigate the uncomfortable things because it will just feel like regular coping. Is that the most fucked up?” I half jokingly, but really not, responded

“LOL! No! It makes perfect sense.” they replied

There is something so perfectly, nonsensically, and necessarily human in falling apart. I no longer see it as something to fear or be ashamed of. Every time I have fallen apart or broken down it has been the best thing in the end. It leads to a purge of old ways of thinking and an opening to new things and people. It is both an end and a beginning. It is brutal and beautiful. I say embrace the hell out of it, knowing that growth and a better you will be on the other side. Baby steps are perfectly fine. One step is great! More will follow and you will get through it. Just don’t hide from it!

I hate how society treats human emotions. It’s not weak, but it’s branded as weak because of those who are truly afraid of having an authentic feeling touch them. To be moved, deeply, within our very souls, must be a terrifying concept to someone who places far too much self-worth and stock in feeling as though they can or need to control every aspect of their lives. Baby, that ain’t living! That is living in fear, with only avoidance and shame as your defenses. *Shivers* No thank you!

I may walk a path others wouldn’t. I may make choices and decisions for myself that others would find mind-boggling. I am not here to live for them or to make sense, quite frankly. I choose human connection, deeper connections, over networking and appearing to have it all together. I don’t keep up appearances for others or try to hide my many flaws. If anything I almost flaunt what is “wrong” with me in the face of a society that would prefer I’m hidden away in shame and misery. I wear my misery like a badge of honor! I highlight my flaws with sequins and knit fabrics pulled taut by every lump, bump, and rolls of my body and mind.

We can absolutely choose to feel every feeling that comes to show up the way to our true path. We can create a life that serves to move us further along our journey and find those along the way that prefer to be authentic, too! We don’t have to fall in line or fit into something we had no part in creating or agreeing to try to be subservient to. Being ashamed or hiding from the softer or more difficult moments in our lives isn’t what will serve us in the end. People live with regret because of not feeling connected, and avoiding vulnerability with those they love. I think love, in it’s purest form, is a powerful and vulnerable thing.

Life may rarely seem to make sense, but it can teach us so much if we just choose to be present, and listen. That includes listening to our own intuition and being aware of our feelings, embracing and facing them, even when it may be frowned upon. There is no need to apologize for what is natural and necessary. You can shine a light on your strength and power by allowing whatever may come, just come. It’s okay not to be okay. And breaking down is just a way for us to find a better path to our purpose. Be you!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S
Please take a moment to select the type of content you’d like to see more of on this blog. It is a brief poll with a comment box at the end if you have anything to share. Thank you so much in advance! https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/XZX5933

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
And my hashtag #DateMyDamnSelf on Instagram if you feel so inclined

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

 

Outgrowing = Growth

December31

I think it is a very healthy and important thing to recognize the things and people in your life that you’ve outgrown. Often this doesn’t happen, though, and we find ourselves conflicted or in conflict with those things. Sometimes it’s obvious, but often it’s far from it. We will avoid things, facing them, because we don’t know or can’t acknowledge what it is or why you’re feeling a certain kind of way about it if you can even get that far. We often ignore our gut feelings about things in the name of manners, courtesy, obligation, and societal pressures. It makes it very difficult to move on or grow in this world.

Some of you have specifics in mind already. You know deep down what is no longer serving your life’s purpose, path or journey. Maybe you have a negative ninny in your life? A job that feels so heavy and pointless that you want to run screaming from the building every day? A friend who only calls you to complain? A person you’ve shared your life with that no longer shares theirs with you? A career path or dream that no longer lifts you up as it once did? A relative that leaves you wishing you were an orphan? There are so many things that just no longer feel right anymore, to me, to you, to everyone. It’s a natural thing, mind you, for things to run their course. The hard part is acknowledging it, of course, but then to take action. Okay, maybe even just deciding that action is needed, even before you get to what that action should be.

I guess most often this is in the context of a romantic relationship, but I think friend breakups are toughest. Sometimes there isn’t even an actual breakup, but just a break or a tapering or ghosting. I’m not sure what’s worse, but they all fucking suck! Family shit is hard, but I think most just stay entwined or under the spell of obligation, guilt, and shame. I’ve never believed the whole “blood is thicker than water” bullshit. Humans are human, flawed and terrible, fantastic and incredible. We will push others away without realizing it. Our behaviors towards them may change before we’ve even identified our feelings about them. We may begin to hide things or stop sharing things with them.

I have said before that the best way to tell how you really feel about someone deep down is that first instant that their name pops up on your phone, be it for a call or text or email. It’s such a quick thing we often ignore or shake off before acting, by answering or replying. Think about it, though, how does that moment feel? Try it. The next time anyone calls or texts, don’t act right away, just look at the name on your screen and think about what you’re feeling in that moment. I’ve often suggested changing contact names to what that person makes you feel. So, instead of “Pat”, you might change it to “Belittled” or “Insecure” when you know that isn’t who you are or want to be.

Of course, no one is perfect. Perfection is a myth, in my opinion. Only you know what is right or wrong for you. Creating healthy boundaries is a mature and awesome thing to do! That can be telling your mother that you will no longer engage in conversations about size/weight/diets/food/etc or an ex you no longer want to be mentioned. It can be setting an expectation together with your spouse or partner so that you both are on the same page and can act accordingly. Unexpressed expectations are dangerous and detrimental! I spent years and years in relationships where both parties held the other to expectations that were never spoken. Nightmare!

Consider open dialogues over ultimatums. I have never been a fan of ultimatums. Ultimately it only forces someone to make a choice on someone else’s terms and that just doesn’t fucking work! Life is never so black and white. When dealing with actual humans, emotions, struggles, baggage, trauma, survival, abuse, love, etc. you cannot force a decision or timeline. You can appeal to someone and communicate your needs and feelings, but if an ultimatum is what you’re considering, I ask that you simply walk away entirely. You cannot help or support someone by forcing them to choose something that doesn’t align with what is best for them. You can say why, of course, but demanding a choice be made is unfair at the very least (damaging and abusive at worst).

What’s great and okay is to read books and blogs on interpersonal relationships and communication. It’s healthy and awesome to seek counseling and therapy and more support in your life overall. You deserve to feel safe and supported in your life. You get to decide what that means and what that looks like for you! It’s pretty rad! I mean, what other point in being an adult is there?! Find a quiet moment to be alone and think about what this means for you. Paint a picture of what you want in life, what fulfillment looks like, what a good balance might be for you. Then think about what obstacles lay in your current path. Can you remove or change those? No? Can you correct your course to move around them? When you consider all that you’ve been through and have become as a result, how does that person or thing or relationship or environment fit in?

I think everyone and everything that comes into our lives is meant to teach us something. Though many of my life’s lessons have been learned through brutality, that hasn’t always been the case. It is sometimes through gentleness and love that I found that even the best of intentions can still hurt. That control can come in many forms and rarely do we believe that we’re attempting to control others, even when it’s pointed out to us. Sometimes we don’t realize how much has been taken from us or how long we allowed someone to shrink our lives around us. My last relationship was fulfilling in many ways, but I couldn’t shrink myself to fit into the box they wanted for us to live in and I never will.

Ultimately, to find and live your most authentic life, you have to decide for yourself what is right and necessary. It will be painful at times, as all big changes often are, but know that you are worth every ounce of effort and energy to find that path for yourself. It’s your journey, it’s your life, you cannot change others or make them see from your perspective, but you can remove them from your life. It doesn’t matter how long or how involved, if they are not lifting you up or helping you to grow, they aren’t supporting the life you want to live. So live it! Love it! Be the you that you know you want to be! It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of you, their opinions are none of your business anyway. You will soon find that what aligns best with your life and dreams will be attracted to you naturally. Go get ’em!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

 

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
And my hashtag #DateMyDamnSelf on Instagram if you feel so inclined

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

#DateMyDamnSelf

December30

I sit here wondering if it is just easier to do it this way, to sort of date myself. Exhausted by the ceaseless emotional labor demanded of me by any potential suitor reaching out through numerous dating apps. I ask each, regardless of gender, “Do you call yourself a feminist?” and their responses have all been the same, save for one (okay now two and I met the second Last Night!). I joke with my friends that I’ve become a sort of feminism 101 professor through these interactions. As many people as I have talked to through these apps, I have gone on very few actual dates because of this. It is the word of the year for fuck’s sake! My new motto:

Get with the times or get left behind!

Oh, that one, with the right answer? They were a great date! Like, a real and honest, nearly traditional, sit-down date. At an Italian restaurant no less. The date was filled with dazzling conversation that left me with great hope for a future date with them. They’ve traveled back home to visit with family for the holidays, but we have loose plans to see each other after the 3rd. They are brilliant in mind and conversation and a talented artist from what photos of their sculptures they shared in their profile. We discussed everything from UFOs and ghosts to body dysmorphia, art, sci-fi and video games. The food was divine and the company so great, I was sad to see it end but it had to.

I probably approach dating very differently than most. A friend recently insisted I was being unreasonably discerning by my declaration of a date wearing white jeans as a major red flag for me. It may sound shallow, but I assured my friend that someone who can comfortably and proudly (they were actually trying to impress me by wearing them) wear white jeans out in the world would have zero understanding of me or the lifestyle of the working class. It was a horrid date, something out of an old Seinfeld episode it felt like, but we all have our horror stories. Ha-ha!

I do not think it unreasonable in the least to insist that someone I might invite into my life, or bed, see me as an equal and whole human being. The fact that anyone in the world thinks this to be even remotely too high of a standard can fuck right the hell off! I refuse to be complicit in my own oppression. You wouldn’t expect a gay man to date a homophobe! Many cis-gendered, hetero males feel women owe them their time and attention, regardless of how they treat women in general. I will not stand for such nonsense, especially in my personal life, nor should anyone.

Feminism is not a dirty word. Feminists don’t hate men. Feminism is for everyone! Misogyny hurts everyone! Anyone who rolls their eyes at the word feminism/feminist is willfully ignorant and quite frankly a selfish and misguided asshole, period. Unpopular opinion? Perhaps, but I do not care one bit what the popularity level of my opinions are. I’m not here to appease or kiss asses, never will be. I’m living my life for me. I am creating a life of my choosing and creation. The folks that insist they are “good guys” aren’t. They just aren’t. That is not a thing! This isn’t an 80’s cartoon, good guys vs. bad guys, no. Not even close. This is me trying to protect myself from those that would harm me.

When I tell men (I date all genders, but get more messages from hetero cis men, currently) that the leading cause of death in men is heart disease and the leading cause of death in women is men, they often laugh or try to laugh it off. They don’t want to live in the real world. They don’t want to see women as equal and whole humans. They want to live in the world they feel safe and in control of. THAT IS NOT MY WORLD! I live in reality and I face it every time I leave the house. I know I can’t control everything, nor would I want to. Control is a falsehood, change is inevitable, and everything is temporary.

I will never be the grateful fatty, happy to gain anyone’s romantic attentions. Fuck that! I will always insist upon more. More than the typical, more than the expected, and please, far more than superficial. I would rather be alone and independent than stuck in a one-sided relationship again. Nothing feels lonelier than that. Besides, I already have the unconditional love and companionship of the most charming gentleman I know…my puggo!

So what does it mean that I want to #DateMyDamnSelf? It means I will put in the time and attention to myself when I go out alone or with friends, that I would for a potential date. It means owning all that I have and being proud of it because it is true! It means enjoying my alone time, practicing self-care, being a better friend and spending more quality time (as in walks and new experiences) with my puggo. It also means calling out folks who claim to be something that their actions prove they are not. I will only socialize with unapologetic feminists, regardless of romantic intent.

I have been struggling, but I am feeling so much better now. I have had a few loved ones in crisis lately and supporting them has made me feel seen, too. It seems my unabashed honesty and ability to see patterns and through other’s fake bullshit is a blessing after all! Ha-ha! Seriously though, this week has proven to me in a multitude of ways that there is no need to ever struggle alone or in silence. Reach out! You may have support and love in your life you didn’t previously recognize. Speak up and let someone know what’s on your mind and in your heart. People want to help, they want to support, they want to connect and love you. Let them, accept that you’re worth it…YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WORTH IT!

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

 

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB! And now my #DateMyDamnSelf on Insta, because why not?! Please, join in on the fun!

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