NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

In Love with an eShakti Dress!

August10

Have you ever purchased an item of clothing that was not your usual style, yet you were for some reason very attracted to this garment and had to have it? Yeah, I did that! And holy shitballs am I in love with this dress! When I first saw it I loved the print but the peplum thing I just never even tried before. I was hesitant af! I think I even put off buying it because I was so uncertain of it looking right for me. I’m at the point where I have a pretty darn good idea what styles and cuts of dresses work best for me and this didn’t check any of my boxes. Then they had a ridiculously great sale…So I went for it!

Prepare yourselves! (If you even can!) I was really feelin’ myself in this dress. I wore it to work that day and even though I ran around the entire day, I got tons of compliments, and the dress was comfortable as hell! I love it soooooo much!!!

You aren’t ready!!!

But here we goooo…

Impish? Perhaps.

Femme fatale? You better believe it!

Boss ass bitch?! Yeppers!

Sultry seductress? When it tickles me. 😉

Positive Posey? Sometimes!

Gallant goofball? Uhhhhhhyuuup! 😛

Tantalizing Trixie? When I wanna be!

“I just can’t fight this feeling anymooooooore”

Spreadin’ my wings…I guess?!

I call this one, “Is that my boob?”

And this one, “Is that my feet?” Ha-ha!

And maybe I had a glass of wine after a really long fucking day and decided to just laugh at it all in the end…HA!

Unfortunately, I no longer see it on their site though I only bought it a couple of weeks ago. But here’s what it looked like on their site (with my custom measurements listed if you’re into that sort of thing – and yeah it was on sale and I had a gift card).

If you’ve been hesitant to try eShakti because you can’t try stuff on, I get it, but they do custom sizing for $10 more than the regular price. Sometimes they even run free customizing deals! I’ve been a customer for nearly ten years and I’m hooked! I never wore dresses before I started buying from them. Their customer service is excellent beyond my American belief! Returns? Not a problem! They even give you a lil’ more than your purchase price if you choose store credit! How cool is that?! If you wanna give it a go, here’s my referral info below, but please feel free to hit me up directly with question you may have.

The eShakti customer can refer any non-customer to eShakti, by giving a personalized referral code. The code itself has been kept simple and will essentially be the name of the referrer.

The referral code entitles the new customer to additional $15 OFF over & above the new customer offer of 33% OFF on the first purchase.

The referrer gets a $25 gift card when the referred order is shipped to the new customer.

Your personalized referral code: SARAHREDMAN

The moral of this silly fashion story is to go ahead and push yourself out of your fashion comfort zone from time to time. You might just surprise yourself with a new love! 😉

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

It’s Friday, I’m Pooped!

August9

Image result for it is friday

Wheeeeew! This week, y’all! This week has entirely kicked my ass so that I’m already too exhausted for next week! Ha-ha! Seriously, though, I am so burnt out from this week’s pace and chaotic activities (at work) that I may try to talk a colleague into covering for me on Monday! UGH! That is not typical for me at all. But I also know when I’ve had enough and lemme tell ya…I’ve had ENOUGH!

This morning I woke up with part of my face swollen! I was exhausted though I slept pretty good for a spell. I don’t know what could have caused the swelling but it’s almost okay now. I got ready for work and was already running late when I went to grab my keys out of my purse and saw that damned mouse/rat had eaten 1/4th of the banana I left in it and it shit in my fucking purse! I wanted to scream and cry and stomp my feet! But I had to go to work so I cleaned it up, cursing the entire time, and ran out the door. Didn’t even have time for coffee. *Whimper*

Then on the way in I had a terrifying thought that I had forgotten to order lunch for my office today. Luckily I didn’t forget and my boss even confirmed the other day, unbeknownst to me. We’re a great team, though. Ha-ha! Mind you, I set up three different events this week plus today’s lunch that I will also have to clean up. On top of all of my usual things and projects. I feel like a madwoman! I do enjoy the pace most of the time, though. This week just happened to be break-neck!

One event I actually got to attend and enjoy was a paint and wine night! I had always wanted to do one but friends have been flaky or not interested and so never had the chance. Always felt odd to go alone, though I think they do singles events now, I’m too shy (maybe) for that. Ha-ha! But I enjoyed myself thoroughly and entirely and even feel sort of proud of my lil’ painting. It was fascinating to see how everyone was painting the same thing yet they all came out very different and lovely! I was blown away!

I did try my best to start the week off right. I even went to the salon to get a trim I’d been putting off for ages! I didn’t realize that my usual stylist, the salon owner, was on vacation. I was nervous about someone new cutting my hair, but I’m happy. Look at my ridiculous makeup-less face!

They always straighten my hair when they cut it but I don’t mind, just feels fancy for a day. Ha-ha! I don’t normally do anything to my hair at all but wash, condition, brush, go! Or put in a bun to sleep, wake up shake it out, go! I spend more time on my eyebrows than my hair on a typical day. I am fortunate to have good hair genes, I suppose, but had you said such a thing to me in previous years I would have laughed and argued. My stylist got me to finally love my hair’s natural texture last year and now there’s no going back!

My lil’ babyman! I think he’s bored of the heat. It’s been too hot some days to go for our usual walk, so we try to play in the house for a bit. I snapped this pic as he was pouncing on his chew toy and just looked up with those lil’ teefers! Irresistible!

I’m mostly happy, y’all. It’s weird, and it’s not like I’m perfectly contended in every way or anything. Lots of room for improvement…like getting rid of stupid mouse/rat, ugh! But honestly there’s not much more I could ask for at the moment. Time is just flying and life does keep on moving and well, I’m here for all of it! I’m also in love with this plant in our lobby at work.

The couch is gorgeous (I picked it out, thanks) but I was more focused on the plant when I snapped this pic. Ha! It’s just so dreamy to me for some reason. My lil’ patio plants department is doing just swell, too! I finally figured out my hose situation and have been tending to my lil’ garden each week and I am really enjoying it. I do occasionally wish I had a person to sit with on my patio and just enjoy their company. I just started reading Great Expectations though, so I will be on my patio for a stretch this weekend for sure! It’s no paradise but it certainly feels like my own private oasis at times.

I did also make some decent progress on organizing my bedroom. Unfortunately, the clothes rack that I had repaired myself broke again and now I don’t know what to do with it. I love it but it’s not cheap to replace and I can’t figure out how to mend it. UGH! Kind of waiting on my next paycheck to go to Ikea to get some things I really need/want. I can get a cheaper clothes rack there but I know I will spend quite a bit so I’ll keep my repair dreams alive until then! ha-ha! This weekend I will jump back into it and see if I can really downsize my wardrobe like I need to. Fingers crossed!

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

 

posted under Blog, DIY, fashion, fat | No Comments »

Fierce Fatty: A Book Review

August6

I don’t recall where I had first heard of the book, “Fierce Fatty” by Victoria Welsby, but I believe I saw some special offer to get it at a discount or even free. In any case, I downloaded it to my new kindle recently and finally gave it a read. It didn’t seem at first like something that would make an impact on me. It seemed to be a very fat acceptance 101 sort of book, but when I’m in a groove I can be a voracious reader. And this one I read in about an hour, and I’m not a speed reader by any stretch.
I had subscribed to the author’s newsletter (maybe that was how I got the book?), but found the positivity a bit much for my taste, at least lately. What can I say? I’m a bit of a bitter-Betty these days. Wev! I had finished Nora Ephron’s latest, “I Remember Nothing” (good!) and was not ready to be done reading for the day. I swiped through my “library” and just love the cover of “Fierce Fatty” so much that I jumped right in.
Right away her writing style struck me as very friendly and energetic. I’ve read quite a few fat related/fat authored books and this one was refreshing. The author covers a myriad of topics relating to living in a fat body, including internalized fat phobia and toxic relationships. She really gets into all of it, though not much goes very deep. I like that though.
Having been part of the fat acceptance movement for so long I was not expecting to have things framed in new ways or even a new perspective brought to light, but Victoria Welsby did just that! Things I have known for awhile suddenly were put in such a way that I was like, “Yes! Of course! Yes!” aloud on my lil’ patio. She also references and recommends other fat books that I already know and love.
I feel that this is the type of book I would give to someone new to the movement, or even just dipping their toes in, ya know? Someone who has their eyes open to what has been shoved down our throats by the media and society itself, but maybe not quite ready for all of my radicalized fat talk. (Ha!) This book could really point them in the right direction to finding their own path to loving oneself and carving out the life they really want (versus what we’re all told we should do/have/want). This book would be great for teens, I feel, too. I might even send it to my niece!
One of the biggest takeaways for me was an ah-ha moment when she starts talking about patterns, habits, and creating new neural pathways. It’s not that I didn’t know this is a thing, in fact I’ve read a lot on the subject. It is how she framed it and explained it in such an easy, and more importantly, approachable and understandable way! She uses common sense and just things we already accept as fact to show that you already know the weigh cycling industry is bullshit along with every “diet” and “lifestyle change” slung at us everyday.
I would say that if you’ve been in this movement for any length of time that you likely won’t find any really new or exciting information in the book, but it may be a helpful refresher in understanding where people are coming from when first arriving at the welcome mat of the fat acceptance movement. (Is there a welcome mat? Would it be more like the two door knockers in Labyrinth? Ha-ha!) It is an enjoyable read, regardless.
***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Badasses Need Love, Too!

July2

As I grow and age and learn to appreciate things better, I still find myself fighting things that are innate or natural and just…UGH! It’s so ridiculous! I’m feeling strangely blue today for truly no reason at all. I’m just tired I suppose and very much starved for affection. And that’s the thing, I try really fucking hard to pretend I’m a hard ass bitch who doesn’t need such things when, A) I know better and B) you can be a hard ass bitch and need snuggles, it’s science and science is beautiful! Ha-ha!

True facts though, my single by choice life means that I go weeks without a hug, months without a kiss, years since another human has truly held me in a loving way. Having those facts sort of hit me all at once when I was wondering why I was feeling down today, and yeah, that would be a big fucking reason. So why self shame or hide?! I can’t really say for certain, but somehow I got it in my head that it makes me weak somehow. It does not. I need to get over this shit. (“How to get enough physical affection if you’re single” pay wall, but cute as hell comics in a cheeky tone.)
I have been dating more lately and enjoying that for the most part. I have had more affection in a general sort of way but it seems not in the ways I need to feel fulfilled. So what’s this Bitter-Betty to do?! I guess just accept that this is also part of my nature and communicate my needs to those who may support or assist in my fulfillment. Wow! So mature! Ha-ha!

Image result for affection
I must also note here that growing up with very early sexual trauma and further abuse and sexual trauma throughout my most developmental years has certainly made these things all the more difficult. Not just difficult to live with, but to navigate social situations, dating, all of it. Sometimes my PTSD-C will scream “Hell no! No one is going to touch me! NOPE Not okay!!!” even when that feels like the one thing I need most of all. I’m realizing now how much this affected my marriage back when. Ugh. Like I recall aching and longing for my husband to just hold me and see me but could never in a million years actually say those things. Learn from my life, lovelies, lessons abound!
As an introvert as well, I don’t like being around a lot of people, or noisy people/places, nor do I like being around a stranger. It’s a confusing thing to date because of this. Even if I like someone on the surface, far too many have proven that my trust issues are well earned and keep me fucking safe! At the same time I try to stay open and to push myself out of my comfort zone and all of that, and yet? Here the hell I am! Ha!
I suppose those with close families could ask for a cuddle, but that isn’t the case for me. Nowhere near it. I do have my precious puggo that I wouldn’t trade for all the money or Tom Hardys or anything else in the world! But he’s not a big snuggler, he’s more of a snuggle up against you type o’ guy. This shit is complicated! Ha-ha!
Image result for affection
Now I am a big proponent of self love and self care and all of that good stuff. And I am very pro masturbation as a form of those things, and I believe I even excel at them…but I still have this internal ache for that deeper connection with another human being. I guess there really is no substitution for that. In every other aspect of my life I think I’m in a good place. And hey, I’ve been single by choice for over 2.5 years now so if this is the first of this inner longing, so fucking be it! Ha-ha!
Have you struggled with these feelings, too? How have you helped yourself feel better? Do you have a self soothing thing you do? What am I missing out on here? What other things are on your mind or weighing upon your heart?
(Really liked this sentence I ended my last post with, it’s sticking to me and I love that!)
I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Fitting in Amongst the Misfits

April16
I’m in a lot of fat groups on facebook. It’s one of the main reasons why I haven’t left FB all together. The groups I participate in run the gamut of fashion, fatness, activism, feminism, queerness, sex, love, science, art…you name it! Each group has their own set of rules, most of which boils down to: don’t be an oppressive jerk. Even groups that are not fat specific will have rules against body comments or shaming of any kind.
I’ve been writing about my own fat life for over ten years here on this blog-a-ma-thing. Before I took the plunge of starting my own blog, I read so many others! I loved them, too, though most are now defunct. It all felt so exciting and new and thrilling when I first happened upon fat acceptance back in ’05. I wanted to shout from the rooftops and tell every person I encountered that they don’t have to live with that oppressive way of thinking any more! Ha-ha!
I made my own mistakes, too. My passion would overwhelm my reason and I would say something or frame it in such a way that would rub others, more in the know than myself, wrong. Especially on any of the LiveJournal blogs and groups I was in at the time, they also had their own sets of rules and what was not okay to say in a post, and for good reason. We get this oppressive messaging literally everywhere else in the world, we didn’t need it in our “safe space” as well!
Over time these things become reflexive and we can forget our own first few stumbles along the way. I was reminded of this today in a group I enjoy because someone posted for the first time and instantly broke the rules of that group. The thing is, the group is for misfits. This isn’t a group for your plus size instagram models. This is for the offbeat, the dark, the weird, and those who don’t fit in elsewhere. So, I understand their initial confusion when others instructed them to read the rules before posting in the group or at the very least add a trigger or content warning. Instead they did what so many newbies do, they protest and rebel. They also didn’t know there were any rules to speak of.
When I commented that their mention of “progress” of recent intentional weight loss was something that would be rewarded literally everywhere else and that fat people live with that oppression constantly, others chimed in with their knee-jerk congratulations. UGH! I understand wanting to be compassionate, but there was some harmful and triggering language and many commented saying so as well. But I noticed that while they were seeking reinforcement, that they also admitted, at length, how they were full of self hate on the inside.
When I read further down the thread of comments and the poster’s responses it became apparent to me that they were lost and simply seeking connection and advice. That is when I got it and understood exactly where they were at in their own self acceptance journey and I could relate and connect with that easily. When I went to comment I got an error message that the post had been taken down. They didn’t have to delete it, only edit to add the trigger/content warning. So I direct messaged them what I had tried to submit as a comment:

I don’t know that they will read/see my advice. Maybe it came off too harsh. I can be too blunt at times, but I also know that we need that voice in the darkness sometimes. We need someone to call us out on our own bullshit. We can get so confused and caught up in it all that we can absolutely forget to just sit and be with our feelings. It’s a valuable thing to do, don’t discount it. They were much younger than I, but already on the right path towards acceptance. If only they could let go of the voice of the oppressor in their own head. I feel that, deeply.
How hard it is to break up with those old ways and thoughts and truly start anew! To not just understand but to know that your life and your future is in your own hands, to be designed and decided upon as you see fit…right now! Not some far off distant future. You cannot get there though by stepping on others. When you harm others you carry that with you forever, whether you’re aware or not.
So, okay, the “how” part…First, stop lying. Stop lying to yourself that being smaller feels better when you know it doesn’t. Stop trying to be the “good fatty” always trying to fit in when the world won’t make room for you no matter what size you are or aren’t. Stop throwing other fatties (bigger/smaller/in general) under the bus so that you can get brownie points from straight-sized folks! Stop lying in general about anything and everything, to yourself, about yourself, to others and about others. Just stop! This alone will get you on the right path towards authenticity!
Yes, to be authentically oneself is something that is undeniable. To shut out the gross voices in our heads, or in our lives, and to finally walk a path of our own making. You hear that? No? Oh, that’s the sound of my own personal horn section warming up. They get going any time I am about to leave the house. What? The world needs a heads up! I am unstoppable, so long as I stay true to me! The same could be said of you! Give it a spin, couldn’t hurt!
Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (You can listen straight from the web, too!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it!

I also have an Instagram, though I don’t post much, I have been trying to: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

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