Fuck you very much!

Fatties already have a very difficult time finding fashions that make our hearts sing let alone regular everyday items for fit and comfort, but you, Unique Vintage, went out of your way with your little April Fool’s joke and toyed with my emotions. What I wouldn’t give to have one of those 1820’s dresses you so mockingly offered today?! UGH! The nerve of it!

Maybe I’m too serious or can’t take a joke, but you know what? The joke’s on YOU because your sizing is shit and you won’t get a dime of my money as a result of this “joke” today. I would have worn the hell out of both of these dresses and paid a pretty penny too!

“Let us never underestimate the power of a well-written letter.”
Jane Austen, “Persuasion”

I am all for a good natured prank or joke if no one is harmed or hurt but this fucked with my emotions after a year of trying to find styles similar to these and the more cottagecore styles that were so trendy last summer. But no, retailers feel the need to do this shit and worse and I’m just not having it!

Spend those marketing dollars on communities that need it so that your customers can feel good buying from you. Invest in developing new items that your customers have long dreamt of. Because seriously? WHO IS THIS SHIT FOR?!?!??!!?

Buh Byeeeeee!

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey “NotBlueAtAll”

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

All of those rules, you know the ones, that fat people should never ever do. I know I have been on this journey a long-ass time, but looking back I have been able to see so many small steps that lead me to where I am today. Every time I tried something new, scary, daring, or just unknown, I didn’t just survive, they pushed me to grow and that’s fantastic! I can feel like a rebel and a badass and still get shit done in regular life terms.

Look, it’s not all about being rebellious, although that does help me at times, but it is about finding and doing what it is that you actually want to do with your life, with your body, your attention and love, and on your own damn terms, thanks. That’s what this is all about! I don’t personally give a shit what size you are, and I know a lot of non-fats used to read this blog, so the more the merrier. I do care about honoring your best self, even if you haven’t found that person within you yet. Honor them.

When you think about what you’ve always wanted in your life, what do you see? What does it look and feel like? Is it full of feathers and glitter and glam? Is it a life in service of others? Is it filled with laughter and love and excitement and enrichment? Whatever it is, what in your life now is also a part of that dream life? What one small thing can you do today to embody that life? Me? Oh, I just set up my new water flosser and I’m nerdily excited about this!

I am not great at establishing routines of any kind, at all, ever. I am not completely sure why that is, but I keep trying. My dental hygiene has been both improved and very much not this past year of pandemic shutdown life. My old water flosser broke years ago and I never figured out why it died and part of me insisted I could not spend the money to replace it due to that mystery, it’s ridiculous. I get these very fixed ideas in my head and then it’s like I’m really only fighting my own silly self. So I got a new one, upgraded model, for a steal on eBay. Woot! Then it sat in the box for two weeks. Ack! But I’m trying! So I got it out today and set it up to charge overnight. Progress, of any measure, is still progress. And now I’m stoked to brush my teeth tomorrow! Ha-ha!

I want a life of joy and balance. I want a life filled with love, poetry, music, and art. I don’t want to work my fingers to the bone until I drop dead on the clock, though right now that does look to be my future. I am holding onto to hope that the things I’m doing today to align myself with this so called dream life of my own creation will lead me to where I need to be. This includes things like saving money and paying off my debt.

Money shit is so fucking hard! It just is! It doesn’t have to be but this is the life capitalism created so fucking be it, for now. I had been paying down my debt for ages, feeling like it was never going to end or even let me get a leg up. I did the thing where you get 0% balance transfer cards and that worked for two years. Then I was just throwing huge wads of my hard earned cash at the thing and it felt fucking futile! My credit scores have gone up considerably and while I only checked a few months ago, two weeks ago I found a personal loan offer for like 3% interest with no early payment penalty and jumped on it. I use Credit Karma for my monitoring, tax filing (it’s free!!!), and to get offers on new cards and loans and such (they even have checking/savings accounts now). Because of that loan I now know that I will be 100% out of debt in 12-14 months! What a relief!

Often when we’re living our day to day we cannot see where we were versus where we are now. It all just feels very same-same. This can make us feel worse and worse about ourselves, our choices, where we are and want to be in life. We all fall into that trap, I do from time to time. I used to wish in a deep, longing sort of way, that I would one fine day have my very own (rented) one bedroom apartment in the south bay. I had so much instability in my housing the last couple of places, and the jobs I had then, that it really shook me. Through zero magic I have exactly the apartment I’ve always wanted! It still feels palatial at times (my last one was a studio), but it’s still something I forget to be proud of at times.

Waking up in the morning and having no one else to worry about or answer to (besides my puggo, I swear he thinks he’s my supervisor!) is fucking glorious! I never feel lonely in the morning, lemme tell ya! It’s the best feeling in the world to wake up, no matter how hesitantly (I’m no morning person), and stretch out your every limb and yawn and breathe in deeply from this new day without anyone else’s energy invading that moment. That is peace, my friends. I do worry that I won’t have the tolerance to live with another person again but I trust whatever the universe throws in my path for that side of things. Meh.

Because I’m done with the expectations of others. I am so over having to explain my every breath, movement, blemish and thought to someone who very likely doesn’t fully give a shit and even if they did more likely won’t understand anyway. Bitter Betty much? Perhaps! It will take a lightening strike in human form to grab my attention at this point, let alone holding it. I check my privilege right here on the dating thing, it’s mostly been easy for me in the past, but the more I know and appreciate myself the less patience I have with nonsense. Modern dating is FULL of NONSENSE! AHEM!

Back to the honoring bit…
There are so many lessons to be learned here. I don’t recall where I first heard this concept but it has helped me considerably. I had always wanted things and never truly envisioned the life that I wanted, so it left me focusing on the wrong things and actions, ya know? Once I started to really think about it and picture in real world terms what I truly wanted, like deep down, well, it seemed more possible and that in itself is a huge motivator. Now I can revise and change what that may look like for me at any time, and that’s needed occasionally, but I can hold this example up for myself and do my best to align current choices and actions to that, to honor that life I want.

I cannot make my own version of Gomez Addam’s knock on my door suddenly. I would likely not answer anyway, I mean, unexpected knocks go unanswered here, sorry Gomez. I can do the things that my dream life includes and I can be the partner I want to be now for myself so that when such a Gomez (of any gender identity) pops into my life I will be ready to accept that love and partnership. Just a month ago the thought would have terrified me. Ha-ha!

I still think there is great value in the “fake it til you make it” way of doing things. I mean, isn’t that just practice? And practicing things makes them easier and you more masterful of your own life! WOOT! I love that! I mean, hey, I certainly do not have all of the answers. I share because I care and I want to help others. That’s it! I could just as easily write this in another place where no one would see and help no one but myself by merely getting it out onto any ole page. I know better and so I try and do better.

Let’s all honor the self we want to be and embody those traits now in any small way that we can. I want to be more active and today I was already able to accomplish that. It feels good. I checked off some work stuff that was weighing on my mind because I dread them (self assessment, blegh). Now I feel lighter and more able to focus on other things. I even found out that the huge project I was hoping for the end of the year has been approved and the wheels are now in motion! What?! I’m genuinely stoked, though I know by November I will be stressed to the max and wondering how I could get excited at all. Ha-ha! But I know what I am capable of now and I have the confidence and reputation to back it up! Watch out!

What do you envision for your future self? A life spent in nature or surrounded by family? Some leisure time or overseas travel? I kinda wanna take a big juicy bite out of the world, but I’m pacing myself as best I can until this whole pandemic thing is done (WEAR A FUCKING MASK! GET VACCINATED, FFS!). How can we honor that vision today? What are we neglecting or what is weighing on your mind? I made a phone call today I had put off for two weeks. So silly. But it was really easy, so why did I put it off?! Welp, it’s done and I no longer need to think about it at all. I hope you can find some small way to honor your best self and take a load off your mind, too.

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey “NotBlueAtAll”

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Hello my lovely readers. You still out there? My stats tell me that you are. I did something last week that turned out to be a very odd but enlightening experience. I read my blog, from the very beginning (Dec ’08) until this year. WOW! I basically watched the events of my life for the last twelve years unfold before my eyes, in my own words. Bizzarre! I found some wisdom, new perspectives, some clear trajectories I had missed, and a true appreciation for what was the “Fat ‘O Sphere” once was. Incredible.

I came to realize that I never really had writer’s block in the traditional sense. Far from it. I never really stopped writing or even posting here. My patterns became slightly more sporadic and less regular, but posting 5 days a week is a tough thing to sustain, so no surprise there. I hadn’t realized just when my writing and the comments discussions here had reached their pinnacle, but I have now and it was a wonderful thing that I really miss now.

Most of all I miss those people, the ones who always comments and had their own things to share or words of love and encouragement for me and other rad fatties. For most I only know their usernames. Others it felt like we talked everyday and then suddenly *Poof* gone. Some I know are literally gone from this world and that has been a hard thing to accept. The reason this blog still stands is because of a friend who passed from Covid recently, Linda. She paid my hosting bill one year when I was truly down and out and beside myself to see this all go away. I thanked her at the time, but now that I’ve read all that I put my heart and soul into all of these years, I’m beyond grateful that what may have felt like a small gesture for her, has and still means the world to me.

So much history! I did and saw and participated in so much in just a few short years. I met so many amazing people, too. I am in awe of it all! I have been on my own and alone for so long that I forgot just how much happened and what I’m capable of. I now know that when things in my life were affecting me negatively but that I wasn’t able to share it I just sort of clammed up entirely. Reading this and watching unfold again made me see how my style and frequency changed due to a romantic relationship that never was right for me (though I wasted four years on it, I am a stubborn bitch to myself, I swear!), and some fat community infighting and bullying made me question my voice and step away to heal.

The biggest thing I noticed is twofold. First, that we all have our own self acceptance journey and fat acceptance/liberation journey. That has its own trajectory and course and once you get all of the fat 101 stuff out of the way, your excitement and willingness to continue those topics become tiresome or even boring. Activists want to build a movement and often disengage from the recruiting and engaging/educating part of that once they are further along on their own paths. I definitely disengaged from the movement itself for awhile.

The second thing is simply that the internet and how we interact with it and each other on it has drastically changed. What was once forums, livejournal, tumblr, and so many blogs is now just instagram, youtube, and tik tok. I still use facebook for this blog and personal stuff but people don’t comment to connect and discuss like they used to. It all feels very distanced and at the same time more aggressive in a way. Seeing the discussions take place here organically was such a treat! I miss that most of all.

I gotta toot my own horn for a moment here though. I have never been good at that so let me try it. I was surprised at the quality of my writing. I didn’t have a lot of confidence in it but it was really lovely to read at times, painful at others, but all of it was of a higher caliber than I had recalled. I feel really good about that. And I should! And I can now, which is the most amazing part for me personally. I feel like a whole different person. In many ways I am. I have no idea what I thought I was going to just magically write a book about, but that’s okay too. Ha-ha!

I’m still happy to write about all things fat when the mood strikes, but I suppose it simply doesn’t strike me to often any longer. I feel like I’ve moved beyond much of it and I want to reconnect but I wonder what this blog would serve as going forward, other than a glorified journal for myself. Nothing wrong with that, but not sure what tone that would take in future if it all became unrelated to fat things, ya know? Hmm…something to ponder.

Yesterday my beloved bff Tigress and I watched a bunch of movies together. We watched the new Tina Turner movie on HBO Max, which was fantastic but some of her life’s struggles mirrored my own (abuse, survival, not trusting, CPTSD, etc) and that was a little tough to get through but nothing too triggering. Then we watched one on Tower Records on YouTube, it was good, brought back some music store memories for me (I never worked at a Tower), but nothing major. Then we watched Kid90 and whoa that brought up some things and also mirrored how I went back to read this blog from the beginning, my own lil’ time capsule in a sense.

So much to process still, and I have some ideas for posts to explore but I feel no pressure to keep anything up, which is nice. I started this more as an experiment at first, I had no idea what this blog would become or mean to me and many others. I will never know the full impact I had on others, but I know it’s a lot and I feel really blessed and thankful for it all. Truly. I am touched by how many reached out to tell me that or to connect or even ask for help. Seeing even anonymous folks comment about these things was a surprise but a good one still.

My puggo is now 11 years old, still at my side everyday, even more so now with the pandemic shutdown. I work from home for the most part and have almost enjoyed it. I say almost because it has also forced me to confront my own bullshit over and over again and push myself to do better to varying degrees of success. Health stuff nearly did me in mentally, even when the mysteries were identified and the pain subsided. It’s just super hard to be good to yourself on all levels when you’re in massive amounts of mystery pain and unable to eat. *Shrugs* But I made it through the crisis and while I”m not going to schedule my surgery until it’s safer to do so, I no longer feel so full of dread on a daily basis.

I am no longer the positivity above all else sort of gal, that is for certain. I am far more cynical, and hilarious if I do say so myself, than ever before. I also feel more grounded and connected to myself as whole and complete person on my own. And I am on my own, 100%! I feel no shame or weirdness in that anymore. It’s a good thing! I don’t feel anything is really missing from my life at this point.

It would be nice to meet a romantic partner and feel good and secure in something like that again. I know now what I want in that regard and will never settle for almost ever again! It’s not worth it. I can do better than half assed and mediocre any day and on my own, so why bother wasting time with someone only phoning it in?! Nah! I have no interest in the superficial. I want the real deal, all in, no hedging, no holdbacks, no bullshit, or I move the fuck on. I may or may not have dumped more than a few millionaires at this point, zero fucks given. (They are a special sort of crazy mixed with entitlement I cannot be around, though I know how this all sounds.)

So yeah, I’m back on being my authentic self and all of that, but far less of the in your face positivity because that was in the end not allowing me to feel the full spectrum of humanity that I needed to feel in order to grow. Positivity can become toxic. There’s a balance to be found in it and there are benefits too. It was all too easy for me to reach a tipping point with that way of thinking that I think forced me to make excuses for others behavior that I simply won’t ever again.

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey “NotBlueAtAll”

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

For years I have joined and participated in fat related facebook groups discussing a myriad of topics. One thing I have noticed more in the last twelve months, more than ever before, is a very real fear being voiced in these groups. Fear of what? So many things, but it all seems to be under the umbrella of being treated with cruelty and/or fear of the validity of their concerns being questioned/ridiculed/ignored/worse. It has been absolutely heartbreaking but at the same time very understandable. As a fat person, I simply cannot know if every new service or treatment or whatever is going to welcome me as a regular human being. I feel this has worsened in the pandemic, but I have stayed home, except for once a week visits to my empty office.  

I am in fat groups specific to fashion, bargains, health things, accommodations/adaptations for easier home life/care, cooking, movement, you name it! I love it. I love hearing about experiences from fat people all over the world. Certainly the experiences of people the world over would be similar, regardless of body size, right? It should be! Sadly, that is not what I am seeing and hearing. Some of the things I have seen most often is finding regular items in the world that can hold/support/last in accommodating a fat body. Such as furniture, for both home and work, and being able to access and afford such things. Chairs, of all sorts, though very often portable or folding options are sought out. Sofas and couches that will last for years without breaking or degrading over time. Bed frames that can support two fat partners, or even mixed sized partners. Office chairs have got to be the number one thing I see folks searching for and how difficult it is to find and afford them with higher weight limits. The pricing and quality do not align, and I say this as a very experienced office manager who has tested and ordered hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of office furniture in the last three years. It may have a higher weight limit, but often the quality of materials is subpar, in my opinion. Or maybe I just hate pleather? The styles are dreadful as well, but I guess I’m used to a specific look and feel from my professional life. It is upsetting though. 

I found myself in that very same battle, hunting and searching, and looking up specs on manufacturer’s websites looking for my own home-office chair last August. I finally found one I liked the look of, was confident in the weight limit, and then I got hit with a medical predicament that left me unable to sit in said chair for many months. Having to sit on my couch to work has had its ups and downs. Mostly it’s a mix of cushions that provide the back support I so sorely need, but I have a rolling laptop table that is old as hell that is always my handy helper. It has also made me reconsider my lil’ Macy’s loveseat I bought 5 or so years ago. I had no idea then just how much use I would get out of it but I am wondering at what point one should replace such things. I think I will hold out. Flexsteel is the brand/material everyone recommends for couches and such for fat folks. It is expensive, but about the same pricing as Joy Bird and similar modern furniture places. I cannot recommend a specific brand or style for an office chair, however. With everything shut down it’s impossible to try things before you buy them and office chairs require assembly. 

Fat people put up with a lot of hate and cruelty from a variety of service providers. I have seen fat people afraid that they would be refused services such as hair, nails, tattoos, physical therapy, massage, spa services, buying a bicycle, buying a car, and so much more. It is so upsetting to see the stories and experiences folks have shared in the fat groups I’m in. Their fears and experiences are very real and very reasonable in my opinion. Not that the way they’ve been treated is reasonable, but the fear in response to past cruelty is. The truth is I have not personally experienced fat hate while seeking these same services myself, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t real or didn’t happen. That is something we all need to work on I think. Just because you haven’t seen or heard or personally experienced something doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. And there is no reason anyone should have to fear for their safety or health or sanity when wanting such services. (I’m hoping one day aps like “All Go” will provide a way for us to all report on such things.)

The number one thing fat people are afraid of during the pandemic has been health care. Needing health care, seeking it, being taken seriously (regardless of the need at hand), affording it, getting existing insurance to cover things, getting/having covid while fat, and so much more. Body size should not prevent people from seeing us as human, and yet here the hell we are. We get treated as though having a fat body is something like forgetting to take out the trash to the extent that it has taken over your life and you are a lesser human for it. We know this isn’t reality, but it is akin to how we are often treated in medical environments. I have been incredibly fortunate to have received care from so many medical care professionals in the last six month while trying to figure out my medical mysteries and not one has mentioned my weight. That is not the norm. I have had to advocate for myself and have even had physicians stand up and walk across the room to get in my face in the past simply because I refused to listen to them insist my stomach required amputating. It does not. My stomach is fucking fine! Ahem!

The barriers and obstacles of life are everywhere for everyone, but for some they are greater and carry far more impact on our daily lives and well being. These fears are based on past experiences. Not everyone is able to fight back or advocate for themselves. Often it is our own loved ones that make us feel these fears or even that we somehow deserve to be treated poorly. (If you love someone you would never suggest such a thing, in my opinion, but I don’t have a lot of friends or close people in my life because I cut out that nonsense immediately. Your mileage may vary.) No one deserves to be treated poorly for their body size, period. I will say that it does help to have someone present to simply act as a witness or to ask follow up questions when we’re in these more intimidating situations such as health care. So often we are not believed. So often we are blamed. 

To live in this world in a fat body is to know that every time you leave the house there is a great likelihood of being subjected to harassment, shame, ridicule, abuse, violence, denial of services and then some. Simply existing in a larger body pisses people off and that is the real shame. Fat people have always existed. These fat groups are a way for us to connect, share stories, share resources and tips, and to witness and hold each other up when we cannot on our own. It is a beautiful thing to have such a community to be a part of and rely on. I would want such a community even if we weren’t so often marginalized. Having these groups has helped me even when I had no need to post or comment myself. Seeing what fat people experience in the world is important to me. It validates and confirms so much of what we’re told “can’t be true”. Ha! I had an ex who would say that so often to me I question why I stayed in that empty relationship for so long. Ugh!  

Fear is such a fucked up thing to live with and under the constant influence of. We cannot live the lives we choose for ourselves when it feels the world wants us all dead. That is the harsh truth. How can anyone find their true and best authentic self when constantly fearing for their lives? No one can convince me that fat folks are weak, that is for certain. We have found ways to support and accommodate and connect and to find ways to improve our lives through community. Community is how things get done! Community is how people thrive. It’s just a fact! We see it everyday at this point, people coming together to support a cause or person or need in the world. How many go fund me campaigns have you seen for medical and funeral expenses in the last year? Countless! That is a form of community helping itself. The internet has broadened what community is and means. I am so glad that we have it. 

What online communities are you a part of? What have you seen as a need for fat folks in the last year? What resources do you wish were more readily available to fat people? Is there a big fat need you haven’t been able to find a solution for? Share it! 

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Instagram & Facebook!

Check out the Fat AF podcast on your favorite podcast app for all things fat sex with me and my BFF, Michaela! (We only recorded a few episodes but they were good!)

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall currently donations will be given directly to Black women in need through my network.

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (updated frequently and not just about fat stuff): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

Are you on MeWe? I started a fat-feminist group there called, Rad Fatties Unlimited, look for it! I’m also on Space Hey “NotBlueAtAll”

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.) notblueatall@notblueatall.com

I spent this past weekend in a bit of a daze. Intentionally trying to get out of my own head and existential thoughts and into some wonderful, or at the least, far gone place that may or may not have ever existed. Fantasy! Well, for me that meant the new season of Summer Camp Island (HBO Max), 4 new episodes of Apple & Onion (Cartoon Network) and a few Marcello Mastroianni films.

Summer Camp Island is just the most charming show there is. It’s sweet and snarky and just a big comfy blanket for my weather beaten heart. Apple & Onion is just silliness for the most part, but Onion is voiced by Richard Ayoade and I have the biggest crush on him. I can listen to him all day…or, well, after Marcello! Ugh! That voice! I don’t speak Italian, but I don’t mind subtitles. I mean, it sort of forces me to pay attention and not fall prey to distraction. And Marcello’s voice is so swoon worthy.

As I was watching those films, all made in the early 1960’s, it made me realize that my Gomez Addams seeking may be coming back in full effect. And then I watched another. Ha! There’s no direct comparison to be made here, only that I have realized that what I want and what I tend to seek out doesn’t always match up. I was done “seeking” anyway, right? I have had exactly one year of no dating activity of any kind. No dates, no apps, no chatting, nothing. I had planned this last December, not realizing both how easy and necessary that would be.

I’ve had quite a few people say that they admired or were impressed with my former dating life. Little did they know how little I cared about it though. Dating seemed a necessary evil in a way that only lead to disappointment and frustration. I still feel that way. Modern dating is all about instant gratification, and being demisexual, that just doesn’t work for me. Yet I would still dip my toes into the dating pool on a quarterly basis. I would have genuine interest, go on a few dates, realize how awful the world is, and go back to my solitude.

Taking a year off dating sounded so cool. A year seemed a long enough time to get my priorities straightened out. Respectable even! Even as I had made that decision, though, I had found myself swept up in something false that only made the choice that much easier. I had a boyfriend for two weeks last November. Knowing all that I know and have been through, I still looked that person in the face and believed them. And I think they tried to be who they thought they were supposed to be, but made no effort what so ever to get to know me. Then they disrespected me in my home and I have no tolerance for that shit. Period.

So here I am, more than a year later, and I’m overwhelmed at the thought of even trying again, let alone during a global pandemic. The truth is, most single folks are lying to themselves and the world. Posturing to attract, saying the right things, doing all they can to appear a certain way even if it isn’t them at all. As someone who does all they can to live as honestly and for the truth as I do, I just don’t want to pollute my head/life/waters with others lies and messes. This year what I have taken away from all of that has given me clarity. What a gift!

I have seen and interacted with fewer humans than I can count on one hand. I have been so careful about the quarantine/shutdown orders. I only go into my empty office once a week to process the mail and handle any physical office needs that may arise. That’s it! I had already had my groceries delivered for almost a year before the shutdown. While I had a difficult time at first, I soon found myself nearly thriving in my isolation.

I cooked like never before and started to bake again. I spent time in my little garden and even repotted some of my much loved plants that had outgrown their pots. I was taking dance classes a couple of time a week on Zoom. I was engaged in anti racism activism and felt connected to my community. And then the summer began and I caught two large rats in my kitchen. That lead to a resurgence of obsessive/frantic cleaning episodes, to the point of exhaustion. Soon after depression invited itself in again and well such is life, eh?

Next thing I knew it was August and I was just starting to come out of my funk when the fires and heatwave began. Then the power outages. And then out of nowhere PAIN! Enough pain for two weeks that I drove myself to the emergency room nearby at 7 am on a Saturday morning. I thought I was dying. I learned so much about myself during that visit. For one, when I am terrified and desperate, I will be unable to actually show that I am in pain and afraid. Instead I get an unending flow of overly friendly dialogue spewing from my mouth uncontrollably. To the extent that anyone interacting with me in that setting would think I was there for entertainment rather than treatment. I had them laughing, so they had to see me as human and autonomous and help me, right?!

The attending physician actually questioned if I had anything going on at all once the labs and scans came back. I explained that I was in horrific pain. She actually said to me, “I’m not so sure about that.” Ugh! I had walked in shaking and doubled over in pain after no sleep for two days because of it. The emergency room really only serves one purpose: to save lives in an immediate way. If you have something life threatening going on, regardless of symptoms, they will save your life. If they find that there is nothing immediate they can find or do, they will kick your ass out the door. And they did.

I then spent the next 3 months on various meds for various conditions they insisted I had when my instincts told me back in August what was going on but was ignored by that ER doc: my gallbladder stopped working. They didn’t find any stones because I have none. I had severe pain episodes for 3-4 days every week for 3 months with no end in sight and no solid answers.

Then I had a consult with a surgeon regarding a mystery mass they discovered while looking at my other organs. She explained that they wanted more tests and finally a biopsy of the mass to rule out cancer and other scary things. At the end of that call she asked about the rest of my life and lifestyle. She was asking about and seeing me as a whole and human being! What a revelation! When I told her about the pain episodes and all I had been through since August she was hesitant at first, not wanting to step on other MD’s toes, but insisted that it all sounded like gallbladder malfunction. Since that is her actual area of expertise she ordered a new and different scan and sure enough! My gallbladder just won’t empty on it’s own anymore. Ah!

I have since had an upper endoscopy (to rule out ulcer and gastritis which they insisted I had, but I do not) and the scary biopsy for the mystery mass, which came back with all good news. So yeah, I need my gallbladder removed, but because I’m in a massive covid hot spot, they aren’t scheduling outpatient surgeries until things calm down. Oddly, but thankfully, the pain has not returned in over a month. I am grateful every second for that! And I’m eating regular foods again, for the most part. I was eating nothing but broth, rice, cabbage, and small amounts of chicken and fruits for months. Ugh!

I’m finally feeling more like myself. I’ve had another consult with that surgeon and I thanked her profusely, though I’m not sure she got my main point. Had she not asked about me, my lifestyle and all of that, I wouldn’t have had the answers to my issues. I had seen I don’t know how many doctors, but it was this surgeon on the phone that got it right by seeing all of me, though she was and remains concerned that I’m over isolating. I can’t help but wonder (or know deep down) that had this been in person or on video that I may not have received the same care as a visibly fat person. Though I have since had 2 video calls with her and she is truly empathetic and delightful. I know when a medical care professional is writing me off as fat. May the universe bless and provide for those who do this work with care and compassion, without bigotry.

Truthfully, I have withdrawn from everything. I stopped the dance classes and dancing all together because of the pain. I didn’t even really wanna talk to friends. Being on Zoom based anything became an upsetting proposition. My head was all over the place as the mysteries of my body took over my every waking thought. I would calm myself at night by going over an imaginary will, planning for my inevitable and forthcoming demise. I still do it sometimes when I can’t fall asleep. I don’t know why it’s comforting when I don’t actually have a will. I know my life is not in immediate danger. I’m not even in any real pain outside of creaky old lady knee.

I think as my organ failed, unbeknownst to me, I became disconnected from myself and my body. The more runaround I got from MD’s, the further from myself I withdrew. I was absolutely miserable and felt helpless. Having said that, my tried and true besties were there for me when I needed a ride to and from the hospital for various sedated procedures. We have all had medical stuff going on this year. We have a weekly check in via text filled with jokes and gifs. It is a bright spot in my week for sure.

Watching Marcello playing a film director and a writer and all that those roles entail, reminded me that I saw myself as a writer years ago. Shit, I’ve had this blog for twelve years already, though much of that has been dormant. After my divorce I just never got my writing groove back. I think about that time a lot lately. How much I was writing and how connected I felt to fat community. That evolved over time as I started my new single life. I no longer feel that sense of purpose, that drive that kept my fingers going on the keyboard everyday. It was so easy then.

I also realized how much and how long I carried my own traumas inside while helping so many others heal from their own. I think that served me for a time, but a few of those former friends were merely a lesson to be learned. It felt good to help people carry their burdens for a time. Not everyone is interested in growth or healing though. Some I think just enjoy seeing how much, how far, and for how long others with go for them. It’s gross and quite boring.

So here I am wondering how I strayed so far from the life of poetry and music I always longed for and saw for myself. How did I get so swayed by so many, only to shut myself off from everything. It’s maddening but perhaps now is a starting point. The timing certainly makes sense. It is said that we go through massive life shifts every 7 years. For some that means new friends or losing old ones. For others it’s romantic relationships, we’ve all heard of the 7-year itch. Well, it’s been 7 years since my divorce, 8 living un-partnered.

I would very much like to write again. I have started posts only to abandon them many times. I think it was two years ago almost exactly that I started to write about some childhood stuff that kind of fucked me up. I don’t have that same spite in me these days. My solitude may seem worrisome to others, but it has brought me great peace. I’m so very glad that I went to Hawaii for my birthday last year. That was my first taste of peace. I think about that trip a lot. And when I went to Seattle last December. I got so much out of both of those trips. I hadn’t traveled for years before that. Now I dream of returning to everywhere I’ve ever visited! Especially Florence, Paris and Ireland (my honeymoon was 3 weeks in those locales).

Would I find the thread that leads to my life filled with poetry and art and music in Paris or Florence? Would being in my ancestral home again (Ireland) reconnect me to my life’s purpose? It all sounds so lovely, but the realist in me knows better. There’s nothing “out there” that isn’t already within. There is so much of life I wish to sip from like some great goblet or fount. The past has lost its grip on me in many ways. Dealing with health stuff and thinking about your own mortality certainly takes some of the romance out of things. Like, I’m okay, but…

“Is that all there is? If that’s all there is my friends, then let’s keep dancing!”

***

I’m here for realness and sincerity, honesty and vulnerability, I’m here for the good and juicy bits of life that shine for me when I know I’m heading in the right direction.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,
<3
S

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