NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Update: Good News!

February23

I got a new job! I started two weeks ago and I love it! I’m the office manager for a tech startup in the heart of silicon valley. In the short time I’ve been there I’ve received such great feedback from everyone and have already started to sass ’em, too! It’s challenging and different every day. I’m hosting a happy hour to hopefully get people mixing and mingling more, we have a lot of new people, not just myself. I’ll be making a pitcher of a spruced up gimlet (gin, lime, simple syrup – maybe soda?) with pineapple juice and fresh sage. Pretty stoked about it, too!

I’m truly excited to have a role where all of my skills will be utilized and recognized. Any support role is often thankless, but when it’s for good people (I hope, too soon to tell, right? Ha-ha!), it doesn’t feel that way. Sure, I’m in the honeymoon phase and have been burned by how many startups now?! Ha! I’m trying to look on the bright side, it takes effort, but seems worth it.

It is such a relief to be working again. Once paychecks start coming in I’ll truly feel a heavy burden lifted. I’ve been working on grown-up things like debt consolidation, taxes, and reaching out for help when I need it. It doesn’t really seem to get easier, but here the hell we are. We all just keep on keepin’ on. I’m glad that we do!

Also, I’m in love with this City Chic dress I snagged on eBay for a steal! I couldn’t get a decent full body shot to share, but he’s a selfie so you can see the lovely print (and my eyebrow showin’ off!).

Today I used a favorite fashion hack of mine. I have this high-low, babydoll cut, tunic-length top from Torrid that I adore. But the scoop neck combined with heavy-ish fabric and button front makes for some inappropriate wardrobe malfunctions. It’s either mega cleavage or hello bra staps. So I grabbed my handy dandy dollar store duct tape and rolled it around my bra strap (sorta like you would do to hang something up like a flyer or poster) and then just firmly stuck my top to it in a position that worked best for my purposes, and that sucker didn’t budge all day!

Image is of black bra strap with white horizontal pinstripes with a piece of duct tape rolled onto itself

I’m sure it’s nothing new to the world, but it’s little things like that, when off the rack fashion always leaves sizing and fit to be desired, that make me love my wardrobe even more. Do you have a favorite fashion hack of a similar nature? I’d love to hear all your tips! Hearing a few people mention my unique style recently gave me a little boost. But it’s also great to work somewhere I can dress as up or down as I want. I’m utilizing dresses and tops I haven’t been able to in ages. Woo!

I miss writing but needed a serious break from the topics I was writing about here. While necessary for me to get out at the time, it forced me to process some things that I guess I wasn’t entirely prepared for. I was also deep in my job hunt jungle, interviewing every weekday for three weeks solid. It was so exhausting. I’m so glad to have a break from that. I hope I can get back to writing again.

Tell me what’s new with you in the comments section below. I hope you’re well and I’m glad you stopped by.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
And my hashtag #DateMyDamnSelf on Instagram if you feel so inclined

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

 

Fat As Fuck! (Podcast)

February22

Hello!!!

I have something wonderful to share with you.

My BFF, Michaela and I have just launched a new podcast called, “Fat As Fuck” and I’m so excited to share it with you! We just released our first episode, so we get into the who and why and what our podcast is really about.

Here’s a teaser for episode one:

Fat As Fuck Episode 1 TEASER

I hope you check it out, follow via your preferred social media and podcast apps, and let us know what you think and what topics you’d like us to explore. We’ve been friends for ages and if you’re reading this it’s semi-likely you’ve already heard her voice on my first podcast for this blog years ago. We laugh a lot and hope you’ll be laughing along with us.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
And the hashtag #DateMyDamnSelf on Instagram if you feel so inclined

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Buy My Fatshions!

January28

I’ve just listed some treasured fatshions for sale on eBay!
These items are new with tags, ModCloth and Eshakti
Just trying to get some grocery money.
Check out my items here:
https://www.ebay.com/sch/dietpills/m.html?item=173126450225&rt=nc&_trksid=p2047675.l2562
(Please forgive the username, I’ve had it since the 90’s, it’s the title of a fave punk song.)

Feel free to ask me questions here. The gown I have listed I have two of, identical.

 

 

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
And my hashtag #DateMyDamnSelf on Instagram if you feel so inclined

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Distraction in Action

January26

The last few weeks I have been busy as a bee interviewing for all the jobs! I have also been spending a lot of time in my head, for better or worse. Mostly just processing things and supporting friends and doing my best to be better support to myself. I am in a good place, mentally and emotionally, even physically I feel pretty great lately. I have also gone on a few dates, even got stood up once. While I’m perfectly good with being single, and have immediate hopes or plans for changing that, it’s been a nice distraction from the day to day.

Because I don’t have a daily routine as a job would require, I haven’t been wearing makeup except for interviews and dates. I enjoy the process of putting on makeup. I like the time and attention of just focusing on one thing, and the end result is FABULOUS! I also enjoy the process of getting to know folks through dating apps. I know it’s not for everyone, but I find people interesting, for the most part.

I’m just me, interview or date or not. I don’t get nervous about such things anymore. I just show up open to whatever happens. I have my own set of personal rules in any scenario and they keep me safe and sane. I’ve enjoyed some great conversations and have learned a lot. Even when things don’t work out, I don’t take it personally. This is a huge step for me! Ha-ha!

I had been forgetting to take pics of my outfits before interviews and dates. Last night I had a 4 hour interview, followed by what turned in to a 4 hour date. One of my rules is to end a date on the 3 hour mark even if things are great. It keeps things exciting but not exhausting, often I don’t have to check the time and things wind down naturally. Last night that was not the case and I broke two more of my personal rules and I am glad that I did! (I don’t give out my number until the second date and I don’t get into someone else’s car until I know them and am comfortable with them.)

This time I remembered to snap a few selfies in between interview and date since I was keeping the same outfit on and my makeup didn’t require a touch up. I’m glad that I did! I might be in love with my double chin as a result! Ha-ha! This dress is my interview staple. It’s whimsical, professional, colorful and genuinely makes people happy when they see it. It’s from Eshakti and was my birthday gift to myself this past year. I get stopped on the street by strangers when I wear this dress, so it feels lucky. I had never worn it on a date until last night, though. It worked out great!

We met up at a loca museum and as we were winding down our art perusal, I asked my great date to snap a pic of me in front of The Gates of Hell, by Rodin. I LOVE THIS PIC!!! And I may now be a fan of Rodin. We found a bust he created that looked as if Patrick Stewart and Putin had a love child. Ha-ha! Also found a small but full body sculpture of Balzac that looked exactly like one of my all time favorite british actors, Matt Berry. It was a great date!

So great that neither of us really wanted it to end when the museum closed, so we headed to the cheesecake factory nearby for drinks…but then they insisted I eat and that they pay. I was very upfront about my feelings and situation (financially and being a feminist), but they instantly understood and genuinely wanted to just continue chatting. It was a blast! I’d never had someone open up to me so quickly! We talked about some heavy stuff, but we just clicked and that’s rad. I told them about my 3 hour rule and we both laughed when we realized it had already been 4. Rules are made to be broken, I suppose. We have another date next week to check out the second building of the museum we didn’t get to catch this time.

My interview yesterday also went really well. It’s hard to tell with these things, but I was able to offer some specific suggestions on how they might improve and streamline some of their current software and processes. They seemed impressed, but I no longer get any hopes up for jobs or dates. Ha! I loved seeing the office, though. They had this gorgeous saltwater aquarium in their waiting area I could have watched for hours. The culture there seemed like a great fit for me, but again, who knows?!

I don’t really have a point to this post, but just wanted to share what I’ve been up to and the ridiculousness of life and my adorbz double chin and that I’m still here. Thank you so much for reading. I had hoped to get some content suggestions through a survey but didn’t get but one response. So please comment! And as always…

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
And my hashtag #DateMyDamnSelf on Instagram if you feel so inclined

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

Speaking Our Truth

January8

I did not catch the Golden Globes last night on t.v. I had completely forgotten about them and thus forgot to set my DVR to record. Part of me was disappointed to have missed it, it seemed like an important thing, but now that I’m seeing some of the things that came out of the ceremony I am glad I missed them. With one exception, Oprah’s acceptance speech. When I was checking my notifications on Facebook this morning I couldn’t help but see quotes from her speech over and over again in my feed. So I watched her speech and I was deeply moved. There were a few takeaways that felt especially poignant, but one shone brighter than the rest.

“What I know for sure is that speaking your truth is the most powerful tool we all have”
Oprah Winfrey, 2018 Golden Globes speech, accepting the Cecil B. DeMille award.

I believe that speaking your truth, sharing your story, is the most powerful thing a human, but especially an oppressed/abused human can do. It reclaims our voices, it connects us to others, it inspires others to speak their own truths, and the cycle continues. It took me a very long time to tell anyone about the abuses I survived. Before I spoke my truth, I began to write it down in a private journal. I had hinted at things with my then-husband, but he also survived abuse and it was difficult for him to open up about it or to hear what I had been through. It was easier to just know without truly knowing.

It wasn’t until after I opened my cafe, and started this blog, that I connected with a customer who I always had the most interesting conversations with.  She was working towards becoming a psychologist, but we mostly talked about women’s issues or human connections in general. I don’t recall what specifically prompted me to share my story with her, but it felt like time had stopped. It was just she and I in my cafe and we had been talking for a bit when I finally said, “I was trapped in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship from ages 14 – 19.” with a flippant tone in my voice. Her face was shaped by empathy and compassion and an interest in hearing more, but she was so gentle yet encouraging that more just flowed out of me.

I had spent so many years pretending that nothing had happened that for a very long time I didn’t know how to talk about it, even what words to use. That day in my cafe I made a decision, though unconscious, but it was the most powerful choice of words I may have ever made. It was the first time I said, “My abuser” instead of an ex-boyfriend or some other such term. My abuser. That is what he was. My abuser. That is how I reclaimed my voice. My abuser. That is how I found a way to share my story without blaming myself because I finally understood just how common abuse is. My abuser. I finally felt that it was okay to share, to not hide from, my story. By making that choice of words I realized that it was never my fault, I did all that I could to survive, and that I was worthy of goodness for the first time in my life.

I have moments where I wish that things were different. I wish that I had had access to therapy and support when I finally escaped the abuse. I wish that I had told my friends, that had been pushed away years before when we reunited what I had been through. Instead, we were simply happy to be together in the big new adult world we were all thrust into and thus turned to partying together as a means of bonding and exploration. It was just easier. Being nineteen is a strange time, a great time, but far too open to feel grounded or tethered to anything. I placed myself in compromising and risky situations because that was all I had known until then. I allowed myself to be used and discarded until I couldn’t anymore. Those people didn’t want to know me, to hear my truth, or to even see me as wholly human. It was something I needed to do, I suppose, in order to find a way to a new life and sense of self.

Sharing my truth with a complete stranger allowed a light into my soul that had never seen anything but darkness. It guided me to so many opportunities and friendships. It brought people and their stories into my life and I am forever grateful for that! We all have a story to share, a truth to bare, and maybe don’t have the words yet. That’s okay! Maybe you think no one wants to hear it, as I once did. I can assure you that this isn’t the case. Often people simply are afraid to make matters worse by even bringing things up. Many want to hear and will bear witness and support you, given the opportunity. It is hard to tell, though, who those people are. I have been told by those I love that they do not want to know. My ex-husband eventually asked to hear it all, but it was towards the end of our marriage and I think he may have regretted it afterward. By that time I had been sharing my story on my blog and had better practice at it.

Every time I share my truth, my story of survival and even my current struggles, it lightens that burden and I feel a little freer. I feel less alone in the world, less helpless and afraid. We do not have to suffer alone and in silence. I feel that we are in a new era of women finally getting heard after millennia of being silenced. When our experiences and struggles are heard and held in the same esteem of men in power we will finally have equal footing in the world. Until then it is up to each of us as individuals, regardless of gender, to listen to those truths, to share our own, and continue this cycle of human connection and strength and vulnerability. There is a great power to be reclaimed and to heal ourselves within this. I have great hope for the future because of it and I hope you do, too.

Rad Fatty Love to ALL,

<3
S
Please take a moment to select the type of content you’d like to see more of on this blog. It is a brief poll with a comment box at the end if you have anything to share. Thank you so much in advance! https://www.surveymonkey.com/r/XZX5933

P.S. Check out and use the hashtag: #FatAndFree on Insta & FB!
And my hashtag #DateMyDamnSelf on Instagram if you feel so inclined

Donate to this blog here: https://www.paypal.me/notblueatall

My blog’s Facebook page for things I share that aren’t on this blog (and updated daily): http://on.fb.me/1A18fAS 

Or get the same “shared” content on Twitter: @NotBlueAtAll

I also have an Instagram I’ve finally started to actually use: https://instagram.com/notblueatall/

And as always, please feel free to drop me a line in comments here or write me an email, I love hearing from readers. (Tell me your troubles, I don’t judge.): notblueatall@notblueatall.com

 

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