Oftentimes I think just asking for what you want is the hardest fucking thing. Like, just finally having the guts to speak it, out loud, to another human being…that’s terrifying. And when you have “No.” thrown at you often enough, well, it won’t take long before you simply give up on the asking part. You either choose to not ask for anything or you give up even wanting.
For me, just knowing exactly what I want, crystallizing it in my mind, that can take ages. Finding the courage to ask for whatever it is of another person? Wow! That can take two to three times as long. And I’ve never been a nagging sort of gal. I will ask for something maybe twice ever, after that, the issue is dead.
Perhaps this is entirely due to growing up poor and learning from far too early an age that the things in life one wants are unattainable. Once I was old enough to start earning my own money, through babysitting and a paper route, I felt empowered and independent, in my own small 9-11 year old way. Finally able to make my own purchases without the barrier of asking for any damned thing.
Of course this lead to some serious issues with personal property and space. I would feel the need to hide the things I’d bought so as to keep from either having to share or having judgments thrown at me. And then my mother stole all of my newspaper collections money. Hella fucked up! I was devastated, in trouble with my boss and ass out! And I used to wonder why I felt the need to “stash” things at random. Ha!
Asking for help has been the most difficult lesson in life. Asking for compassion, support…a hug? Why is that so difficult for me? *Sigh* I really don’t know. For the most part I had a loving family as a child, but it fell apart a couple of years before my mom actually left us. Not that she’d ever really been present, but I know she loved us when we were little ones. It seemed to me, even then, that after a certain age she just couldn’t give a fuck any longer. So be it.
As an adult, asking for things has proven challenging in all of my various relationships. In my marriage I couldn’t do it at all. I felt as though asking for anything was asking too much. Wasn’t I lucky enough and satisfied by just having someone?! Um…NO! Gawd! The shit that would happen in my head, I tell ya, so ridiculous! I know better now, fortunately. But these things we often have to learn the hardest and most hurtful of ways.
As my circle of close friends shifts and changes and evolves, I see it is because it must as I must. What helped me grow and become a better person before simply won’t do now, right? People change and often what they have to offer and need changes, too. I know I have and do and will. What I want from life has changed as well. I now seek more compassionate and empathetic souls to the party-going boisterous group of yesteryear. I still love to cut loose and have fun, but I do not feel compelled to so often anymore. In fact, quite the opposite.
While I still don’t ask more than twice for anything, I am getting better at finding it in me to do the asking now. I still struggle with accepting love and support, especially when I haven’t asked for it but it may be apparent that I need it. Ah, stupid pride. What good does it do me?! Ha! In the end the good ones know what’s up and won’t allow me to self destruct (why is that such a go-to for me?! Ugh!). And when friends need me I do everything in my power to show up, be there and help in any way I possibly can. Sometimes it’s only listening, ya know? Because a lot of us often feel unheard and misunderstood.
So, um…yeah! Ask. Keep asking. Go after what you want. See where it takes you. I know I am. Thanks for coming along for the ride. 😉