NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

Animal Body

July15

Hey everyone!

Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Jenna (aka Fattiboomballatti) and I have been honored to guest post with notblutatall’s blog here about my thoughts/opinions/observations/and fatactivism as that pop up in me head as they do upon occasion.

Today I wanted to talk about fitness and living in our animal bodies. I grew up as a lifelong fatty and the connection between my brain and my body has often been a mysterious and estranged thing. I remember in elementary school wearing very baggy and strange clothes given to me by my mom that were adult sized and adult fashioned and no doubt an added reason for my social ostracism by children my own age. I specifically remember once accidentally touching my belly and snatching my hand back as if I had touched something naughty, like I was not allowed to touch my body, or if I touched it then it would magically appear for everyone else to see. I didn’t do sports cause… well for one thing we didn’t have any money for sports but all the other things that I am naturally good at I stopped myself from learning cause fat girls don’t cheerlead, they don’t do dancing troupes and well… basically they should just disappear (and that’s TOTALLY another post for another time). So not only did society ingrain in me a deeply imbedded shame about my body to the point that I disconnected her from my mind, but society also told me that I could not live in the physical world in a fat body. I disappeared myself to the point even I could not recognize the value in my body and escaped it whenever I could.

Now that I am a grown ass adult capable of making my own decisions I have made this summer the start of my new relationship with my body. Oh, I have worked out before, primarily to try to lose weight… working out was punitive and it came from a place of lacking; a crumbly little act by a blighted soul. My attitude towards living and working within my body now is much much different. I work out because it feels so hard and delicious and empowering. About a few months ago I started doing Zumba. It was really hard at first but I loved it because while I am clumsy as hell normally for some reason when there is a beat I become graceful, the choreography changes enough to keep my mind engaged and I love feeling sexy as my hips glide and boobs are rockin it. Then afterwards during the cool down stretch something new happened to me, with a quick thought I realized that I had spent the last few minutes totally in synch with my physical animal body drained of higher order thinking. And it felt really really good!

So since that time I have included lap swimming in my routine (and wii’s dance 2 Big Girl You ARE Beautiful). Not to lose weight. There is no desire to take on all that THAT “entails” but to take back my right to live in my body to move my body to feel strong and powerful and beautiful in my body as she is now. Watching how she gets stronger every day and works to increase her capacity and joy also fills me with a rage of injustice that I was so marginalized as a fat person that I completely delinked my mind to my body nor paid it any heed for years. I feel guilty and sad that I who had let my body down by putting her down, by berating her and ignoring her that even with all that I have been rewarded with health and growth. It makes me doubly determined to treat my body right, to live within this body with gratitude and thoughtfulness and to care for her like I would care for a favored child, a cherished pet.

How about you? Were you disconnected from your body? How did you link back up?

Thanks for reading!

Fattiboombalatti

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6 Comments to

“Animal Body”

  1. On July 16th, 2011 at 1:27 am G Says:

    Brilliant post. I spent a lot of my life feeling very disconnected from my body. For a long time I didn’t see even the connection between the food I ate and the size I was. I only found a love for exercise after I had lost a lot of weigh through dieting. I started going to the gym to burn calories but as the years have gone on I find myself back at my original weight but a lot healthier and with a love of exercise. At the moment it is just getting out and about walking the dogs every day – no gym in small English village. But in the past I’ve played squash, ice hockey and loved lots of cardio things at the gym. I have appreciated that my body is strong, powerful and a great vehicle to get me to wonderful places. It doesn’t need to be thin to do that.
    I have also majorly connected with my body by having a baby grow inside me, and come out! Every bit of me has a reason to be here and my body is perfect in just the same way my darling little daughter’s is.

  2. On July 16th, 2011 at 8:54 am Not Blue at All Says:

    @G: Thank you, I am so happy to have a guest blogger and am looking forward to more from her soon. And yes, it is amazingly easy to become disconnected from our bodies, sadly.

  3. On July 16th, 2011 at 7:36 am jery Says:

    Great post. Glad you are dancing, because you love to do it! Work it!!

  4. On July 16th, 2011 at 8:55 am Not Blue at All Says:

    @Jery: Thanks, but this one was a guest post. But I do love to dance and did so (a lot) last night! Woo!

  5. On July 16th, 2011 at 9:23 am G Says:

    For the longest time I treated my body like it was simply a device to cart around my brain too– like my only important part was my brain.

    But my body can do lots of cool things too, if I put some time and effort into helping it.

    I am a body!

  6. On July 16th, 2011 at 9:32 am Not Blue at All Says:

    @G: I love that! Almost sounds like a body positive campaign slogan!!

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