I certainly hope so! That is to say, my life has been full of chaos the last, oh, year or so…the changes I’ve made have turned out to be for the better. But there are days/weeks where I wonder if I haven’t fucked everything up, ya know? Doubt. It’s a real bitch sometimes. Oh, sure, some doubt can be healthy, but mostly I feel it holds us back from becoming our best selves.
I was chatting with a new friend over dinner the other evening and we talked about careers and jobs and places we’ve lived and so forth. They said that I made many bold moves and decisions in my life. This struck me at first but then I had to admit that it was true. But I explained why those decisions had to be made or why I felt compelled to make such a drastic change in my life. Bold? Okay, I can live with that. I doubt that there is such a thing as a bad ass of subtlety, but I would love to be proven wrong.
I did not walk into these states of change carefree. I research, I pro & con, I consider and I ruminate. I do this naturally, but the heavier the thing (either physically or philosophically) the more I put into it. And thus this year has proven to be quite a load on my sweet little noggin. I have been tested, often by myself though not always, and pushed and challenged and I feel I am in a state of constantly overcoming…something.
In some ways overcoming things is all I’ve ever done or known. In other ways I have always felt as though I am merely flying by the seat of my pants (or teggings). Perhaps it’s an equal mix, I don’t know. I know that when I am at my most fulfilled that I am barely cognizant of what I am doing and can only afterwards marvel at my abilities. This isn’t abnormal, it’s just how the creative brain works I just learned and it all became so clear.
The chaos is good. The chaos is healthy. The chaos is powerful and inspiring, even or especially during the biggest struggles. The struggle is the poetry of life! Nothing is more beautiful than seeing someone finally come into their own after a long battle against themselves or their circumstances. I’m nearly there, I feel. But who knows? I’m young, still pretty fucking naive and can no longer live a life looking towards a future that may never be. I have to live for me and for now.
We have been taught to be individuals so long as we fit into some mythical mold. Selfishness is both punished and regaled. It’s possible that I simply don’t understand ” kids today” or whatever, but I don’t think that’s it. I think I am just cut from a different fabric or something. Perhaps it’s my resilience or stubbornness, but I refuse to accept the notion that loving myself is a bad thing. I don’t hurt others and don’t throw my privilege in other peoples faces. I acknowledge it and work towards furthering my own understanding of the world and those I love.
Guilt is the most useless emotion. It doesn’t do anyone any good. I will not feel guilty for knowing what I need in order to best care for myself. No one should. I think it’s high time we all start setting boundaries with this shit in our lives. If I need to just be alone or be with a specific person for awhile and not answer my phone? I will damn well do it! I will not be pushed or questioned about it. Deal! It is something I struggle with though. I always feel like I have both too much and too little time. And yes, I have a tough time saying no. Not anymore…I will be saying no and setting clearer boundaries with people to save my sanity. If someone doesn’t understand that, perhaps they just don’t understand me.