I asked myself this week if the reason I’m feeling so stalled and deflated might be because of all of the changes in my life these last six months have suddenly stopped and I’m here waiting for the next big change to come, only it hasn’t and perhaps I’ve grown accustomed to this faster pace of life. (Run-on sentence for the win!)
Can I be addicted to change? I kicked off this here 2012 (Woo!) with sooooo many things on my plate and then I pushed the proverbial envelope a bit by also making some decisions at perhaps an odd or even bad time to keep more changes a-comin’. That wasn’t my motivation for these decisions, but it certainly kept me on my toes, so to speak.
Now? I’m just living my life, I guess. I’m just getting up each day and heading to work and all. I am doing my best to live in the present moment and not take things for granted, to remain grateful for all that I have and that comes and even what has gone, but never be forgotten. All of the experiences and choices I make in my daily life, I try to keep a little nugget of hope and wisdom from them and learn as much as I can as I go.
The truth is, I love to be busy. I love to look at my calendar app on my phone and see things filled up in advance. I allows me time to prepare, plan and look forward to things. It is often heartbreaking to turn down invitations when I do have so much going on, but this is why I’m a firm believer in tentative confirmations with follow-ups for finalization. And it also makes awesome last minute plans nearly impossible, but that’s okay since I usually turn those down flat anyway, due to my social anxiety issues (I need time to prepare, mentally, for social interactions sometimes).
Yet there are so many things that I want to do but I need a push, and lots of help and support, to even begin…I suck at asking for such things. There are four big-fat-related things I want to start planning and working on now, but…but…there’s always a but!!! Why is that? I start and stop and so on and for what? Ugh! I need my own little planning committee and entourage of encouragement. Oooh! I love that: The Entourage of Encouragement! Band name? Life goals? Ha-ha!
See? I have an attention span issue and perhaps this feeds right into the desire for constant change. It used to be that I would fear change and would resist with all of my resistance! I’m a stubborn lady, too, so you can imagine how bad that got. I’ve grown to see my stubbornness as an asset now, though. But I’m also more mature and open to discussions on things than I used to be.
Is it this desire for more change that has me positively itching to travel? Like, ANYWHERENOWPLEASE!!!! Ha-ha! Seriously, though? I’m dying to see the world and all of it’s wondrous things and peoples and natures. It is an ache deep within me. And an itch that cannot yet be scratched. And yes I know, and am mega-grateful for, the incredible bounty that I live in and am surrounded by here in California. I really should get out and enjoy it more…
And I would/should/could…but I suck at and hate doing things alone. I get too caught up in my own head and thoughts and then end up not really enjoying it anymore. Boo! And with all of my busy-ness, I haven’t really had the time or really the forethought to go about it. One step forward, two back…