*Trigger warning for talk of depression and self loathing. Not body related.*
I’ve been beaten down pretty badly with this beastly cold. The surprising part has been how utterly depressed I feel on top of the ick. I wasn’t expecting this. I can’t even explain it, but it’s been my bff the last week and all of the weekend. Oh man, Friday night was rough. I was suddenly full of self loathing from what seemed to be out of nowhere. Saturday wasn’t better and I pretty much hid myself from the world all weekend. The only bright spots were hanging out with the puggyman, watching Star Wars: A New Hope and on Sunday B took me to see The Hobbit.
Star Wars, I haven’t watched any of those films in quite a few years and have seen A New Hope far less times than the other two (I try to pretend those “prequels” didn’t happen sometimes…but Ewan McGregor?! *Sigh*). Great film! I had forgotten how much I LOVE R2D2! Oh man! So good! I recall as a child being nuts for that little bucket of bolts. And I’d just watched the 30 Rock episode where Liz Lemon gets married wearing a Princess Leia costume. Nice!
The Hobbit was lovely and just what I needed to distract myself from this depression. I’m fully admitting now that that is what it is: depression. I won’t feel shame for it or even try to hide it any longer, what’s the point? I have no doubt that a lack of quality sleep is part of the problem, what with waking up constantly to cough or with random hiccups (?). I actually feel pretty dead inside. Things that would normally make me smile, just aren’t. I knew it was really depression and not just the cold when I didn’t bother to brush my hair on Saturday, nor did I give a shit. Ugh! I know how trivial/silly that sounds, but believe me, normally it would matter.
I wish I could say that I’m on the up and up and “not blue at all” but that would be a lie. I’m feeling only marginally better with this cold, but have stopped taking anything because I’m out of the good Nyquill-D and the congestion meds make me too damned high. Like, not knowing what is going on sort of high…not good! I don’t know how people can abuse prescription drugs, I do not like how even this OTC stuff makes me feel (mind you it’s strong and behind the pharmacy counter these days). I have next to no energy and even less patience, especially with myself.
On the up side, staying in and being super sad has saved me gas and some money. So there’s that. I have a couple of things to look forward to, all hope is not gone. But this holiday season bullshit? *ShakesFist* I’m feeling very mixed feelings about everything at the moment, though. I go from wanting to plan what to wear to parties and meet ups in the coming weeks to wanting to cancel everything and run away from it all.
This can’t just be a seasonal thing. It’s hard, I won’t lie about that. I have no real connection to my family, though I did get to talk to my brother last week. I have no traditions or anything. I have friends and I am so fucking grateful for them. I feel like super alone though, amid all of the bustling. I’m not celebrating the holidays, not even sure I’m going to the NYE party I said “maybe” to. I have a friend coming to visit for a few days after, but I’m not sure how to even be a proper host to an out of town guest (never done it before). The fact is I feel like shit any time someone is nice to me lately.
This all sounds like a giant pity party of one. *Sigh* I’ve been feeling so disconnected from myself, from my body, from the world and my community. I just wanna sleep for life! B says that means I want to be dead, but I just think a coma sounds so nice about now. Ha-ha! So tired. I think back to where my head was at a year ago and it feels like a lifetime ago. Was I such a different gal then? In some ways I think so. In some ways I feel like I’ve been back sliding lately, too. I just don’t know.
I’m still searching for so many things in my life. For all that I have, there is so much still lacking and it hurts a lot lately and I can’t quite figure out why. Those same things have been lacking for awhile. I’m usually so much better at shaking these kinds of sad off…I just can’t right now. And it’s not even the productive kind of depression…it’s just the flat kind that leaves me staring at things without a thought in my head. And once a thought does come, the tears follow.
I’ll get through this, I always do. <3