NotBlueAtAll

I'm just a fat gal with a blog and an opinion. Well, lots of opinions.

1 and 2 and 2 and 1…

January7

2012 felt like a giant whirlwind, but also a lot of one step forward, one step backward…exhausting! 2013 is already teaching me things about myself and my friends and the world. I know, it’s only been a week, but what a week it was?! Don’t worry, no big 2012 wrap-up here, no thanks. I am a tad surprised by how I am still struggling with certain things though. Let’s talk about that! 😉

Self-Compassion: Gawd! How is it that this is still my number one struggle?! For real, y’all, this is super hard for me and I can’t even figure out why. I have too much compassion and empathy for others, which always leads to tears for me, but for myself? That shouldn’t be too hard, yet it totally is.

I have these incredible moments where it’s like I can see myself and my actions from an outsider’s perspective and I’m often surprised (both in good and bad ways) by what it is that I do. The choices I make, the repeated mistakes, the patterns and the miscommunication, they all leave me questioning myself. Even when things are great, I question myself. I really must stop that.

This year, I will check myself whenever I feel that lurking desire to question myself. I will move forward and trust my gut and stop second guessing. When I trust myself and my instincts I never lose. *Sigh* I really must stick to this one! I will allow my vulnerability to BE my strength, no matter how difficult that is. I will open up, especially to  myself, and just be okay with that. I will ask for help, advice, guidance and talk through the hard shit with those I love and trust.

Self-Care: I try so hard and then allow shit to get in the way. I was doing great during the summer and really enjoying myself, too. I was getting pedicures while doing my own manicures, I gave up blow drying my hair, I committed to daily face exfoliation and weekly body exfoliation, I was moisturizing like a pro, started going to acupuncture, doing weekly face masks and then…life happened? I don’t know. I mean, when I found out that my hours were getting cut at work I sort of chose to let a lot of stuff slide.

Here I am in the middle of winter with the driest of skin and the worst cuticles I’ve had in awhile, I’m back on the blow drying and can’t afford acupuncture anymore. I sort of let my toenails suffer, too, by keeping the same blue-green polish on for three months. Oops! Now that they are bare (and stained from that polish) I no longer look fondly upon them and have twice caught myself trying to hide them from the view of others. I still exfoliate my face, have to or it’s just bad news for my sensitive-combination skin. I can’t recall the last time I gave my body a good exfoliating or gave myself a face mask thingy.

I know these are luxuries, but they are also self-care for me in the literal sense. I feel better when I do these things and much of this I can still do on my own without added expenses, but I’m not doing them. I fear that there is some worthiness issues lying beneath the surface. I will claim to anyone that it is a lack of time, but that is some bullshit I’m calling myself out on. Spending time with loved ones is also self-care and I can honestly say that I am doing that part right! 🙂

Solace in Solitude: Oh the lectures I have gotten on this one! *StinkEye* I am okay with this, y’all! It’s alllllll good! I swear! I have spent more time alone in 2012 than I have in the last…EVER!!! It’s been really tough at times, but I’m truly fine on my own and while I may still do goofy shit when no one else is around and my attention span turns to nada, I’m pretty proud of my progress here. It’s not exactly something I can simply check off of some list, but I no longer feel anxiety about stretches of time on my own at home or otherwise.

Trust: Ahhhhh! This bitch! Ha-ha! Story of my life, trust too much, trust too little, two step, round about, over the bridge and back again. Ha! For real, trust and trusting is a tricky one. I say all over the place that I have trust issues and struggle with letting people “in” and all, but the truth is I trust too quickly and while I can be private and reserved at times, give me a moment and I will open up and give more than asked, always.

What I cannot change is how others will treat my trust in them. I choose to let go of the urge to control this as I now know this is impossible. People and the universe are an ever changing thing. I will roll with the punches and walk away from people and situations that abuse my trust in them. I will continue to love with my whole self and to be the best possible me that I can. I will trust in myself and in those I love and let go of the rest.

Going forward I want to foster self-compassion and ask for help/support/guidance in this endeavor. I want to improve my self-care and find a way to establish a routine or at least schedule the shit so I don’t have to. I want to get out and explore the world and meet new people and see new things. I want to grow the fat community where I live and find a new career path for myself. I want to deepen the relationships I have and work on the new ones that I haven’t had a chance to. I’m excited and possibly too optimistic about the year ahead. But I think I’m in a great place and there’s no better way than to work your way up from the bottom.  <3  🙂

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One Comment to

“1 and 2 and 2 and 1…”

  1. On January 8th, 2013 at 12:34 pm Veronica Says:

    I’m going to offer some unsolicited advice here, so feel free to ignore it. I think self-care is important, and as someone who struggles with some worthiness issues myself I absolutely get where you’re coming from in that it can take some concentrated effort. The only thing is that I think you need to be careful so self-care doesn’t end up as one of those things on your to-do list that you have to *get done*, and that you feel guilty if you aren’t able to get to. It is possible for self-care to actually make things worse if that happens.

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